The Liberal Joe Rogan Should Be Me

The Democratic establishment is trying to find the "Liberal Joe Rogan" and failing to uncover the obvious choice: me.

A recent New York Times article revealed information I found very unsurprising: Democratic strategists are spending (Dr. Evil voice) millions of dollars to try and counter the right-wing media ecosystem with their own: the liberal Joe Rogan (identity still TBD. Hey, Hillary Clinton isn’t up to much these days!)

Clearly, this money wasn’t spent very effectively, because the liberal Joe Rogan should obviously be me.

Allow me to answer all FAQs and objections related to this proposal.

You don’t even have a podcast.

True! I want to have a podcast but it requires me to get a better laptop and a microphone, and I find myself paralyzed by all the options. I’m also scared of getting one that my husband thinks is too expensive, which could severely cut into my monthly “pastel yellow shoe stipend.” But soon!

The liberal Joe Rogan WAS liberal and then THE LEFT turned on him and now he’s right wing. Why wouldn’t that happen with you?

Here’s the good news: the scoldiest of the far left has already given up on me. I’m on a million “conservative sympathizer” block lists on Bluesky for following radical right-wing extremists like Ben Dreyfuss and Will Stancil. There is no evil progressive boogeyman whose hatred of me will force me to stop being liberal. Granted, let’s not test it. If I was harassed by the far left, I would be very anxious and upset, but there would be no “Why I Left the Left.” If Republicans want to get me on their side, they’re going to have to pony up and send me some pastel yellow slingbacks, preferably in a box that looks like it’s an air filter or something, so my husband doesn’t know I bought more shoes.

You’re not even political.

This is also true. This Substack is not in the US Politics category, and if I had to pick a third or fourth category, it still wouldn’t be US Politics. But that’s the point. Joe Rogan didn’t come onto the scene as a right-wing mouthpiece. Nobody would have listened to him, especially because his show started in 2009 and nobody liked Republicans back then (also, he wasn’t one.) During the first season of his show, he dicked around and talked about martial arts, chess, and his other quirky neurodivergent special interests. Sound familiar? The female Joe Rogan—in the first season of her “show”, if you will—would absolutely be blabbing on about bandage dresses of the ‘90s and a random woman at the park who didn’t like her.

Ultimately, the apolitical nature of the original flavor Joe Rogan show is what made him so successful. People don’t want to tune into a podcast called “Orange is the New Orange: Drumpf for Prison 2028.” First of all, he’s definitely not going to prison ever and he’ll probably live to 120 due to his conservation of his body’s finite energy, but also, we have enough political voices. Some of those voices are very good, but they mostly exist to entertain or intrigue those who already agree. They aren’t the liberal Joe Rogans, they’re the liberal Sean Hannity. People come to CHH to read about neurotic parents, 35-year-old virgins, and sludge. Then, occasionally, I’ll hit them with something political, from a fairly neutral standpoint that (usually) isn’t alienating to conservatives or centrists.

It’s literally why I won the title of this year’s Neoliberal Shill. And the reviews are in for my stunning victory. People are saying things such as “Why is she on there?” or “Has she ever written about YIMBY stuff or do YIMBYs just like her for some reason?” and most commonly, “Who is that?”

You’re a nobody!

Oh yeah, and you know what people love? The establishment! If there’s anything Democrats should have learned is that wacky little weirdos always win over the most people because nobody wants someone who has been vetted by a focus group. We’ve already tried that with all the hopeless cowboy hat wearing Democrats posing on bales of hay on some doomed campaign to unseat a deeply hated Republican House member. I’m not a nobody (well, I am, but bear with me,) I’m an outsider. My being a nobody is an asset. You can rest assured that I have no secret connections who are funding my Substack because nobody knows who I am anyway. Ergo, any popularity I’ve earned is a fair representation of what the people want. And what the people want is an OCD-afflicted turbopawg maybe-autistic wannabe MILF who does a Trump impression that lowkey sounds like a middle-aged Jewish therapist. Get with the program!

You don’t even have a face or a name.

See my above point. This all adds to the whimsical charm of the CHH mystique. Besides, is anyone actually looking at Joe Rogan’s face? Like, is that at all part of the appeal?

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