Democrats Need a President Who Fucks

Put policy aside and think like the median voter: which candidate fucks?

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If you’ve been on Twitter lately, you probably needed to mute the word “Clavicular” to avoid being served constant videos and memes of the 20-year-old looksmaxxing influencer who does crystal meth and hits himself in the face with hammers to look like the actor Matt Bomer. To be honest, I don’t think Clavicular has the juice to last more than a few discourse cycles. He’s no Honey Boo Boo. But I do think he’s marginally more entertaining than your run-of-the-mill manosphere character, in part because he’s just so weird.

But of all of Clavicular’s bits, one of the more entertaining ones is that like some kind of looksmaxxing Rain Man, he can immediately identify out of two people, which one “mogs” (Will Sommer explained this well for the uninitiated, but for those of you not as mentally ill as I am, “mogging” is basically out-handsoming and out-alpha-ing another man.) Evil dictator edition: Kim Jong Un vs. Bukele: Bukele mogs.

And even though Clavicular doesn’t seem particularly liberal-coded, the verdict is in: Gavin Newsom MOGS JD Vance. You can tell he’s in it for the love of the game, the game being mogging. Finally, a pure, unbiased voice in politics.

On a less brain-rotted note, Polymarket also shows Gavin Newsom as the obvious Democratic favorite for 2028, although I still think it’s way too early to say.

Matthew Yglesias hasn’t been too excited about this development. He’s astutely pointed out that Gavin Newsom’s electoral track record is actually not great. I think he’s right. I also think he’s right that Democrats shouldn’t engage in a sort of reverse-uno form of identity politics and declare that only a white, straight male candidate who looks like the posterchild for a “this is what they took from you” nostalgia post could ever possibly win. People automatically take a candidate (for any job) less seriously if it’s been explicitly mentioned that they were only hired for their race or gender. This also applies to white men! And yes, I’ve joked before that Gavin Newsom is more Republican-presenting than most of our actual Republicans, but I don’t think that alone is enough to win (or necessary.)

This is what they took from you.

So obviously, I am not bullish on Newsom here, but he does have one quality that Democrats clearly need, even if they aren’t saying it out loud: he fucks.

Look, I know I’m not a political pundit. I’m a humorist and memoirist, or in other words, a narcissistic attention-seeker. I mostly write about social dynamics, my own personal essays about getting fired constantly, and occasionally I write about incel gorillas. I can’t claim to be an expert in the arena of politics (although I stand by my position that online enthusiasm for DOGE was about sex). But while I’m not a political pundit, I do spend a lot of time reading the thoughts of various idiots and midwits online (myself included) and I can conclude that Democrats’ main problem these days is simply that we don’t fuck. Or at the very least, we don’t act like we fuck. When we elect candidates who fuck, they often mog the competition, unless the competition countermogs.

This doesn’t seem to be the case for congressional or local elections, and maybe not even primaries, but presidential elections require clear signaling of being “one who fucks.” In other words, a candidate must auramog his or her competition. There have been a few exceptions, but basically every president in recent history has been the one who fucked.

Bill Clinton obviously fucked. I don’t even need to explain that one.

Back when George W. Bush (better known for his Substack, but, fun fact: he was also the president) was elected over Al Gore in 2000 (rigged, unfair, stop the count, etc.) people justified their selection by saying that GWB seemed like someone with whom they could “share a beer.” Let me translate that for my fellow libcucks: he was someone with whom we could imagine ourselves sharing a gluten-free kombucha. In other words, he fucked. I know it’s hard to imagine the goofy grandpa painting kittens to have been the candidate who fucked, but compared to Al Gore (and John Kerry with his goofy windsurfing) he did fuck.

Then, Obama. Again, no explanation needed. Fucker In Chief (complimentary.) I voted for him eagerly, in part because he fucked. I was nineteen. I had no idea what anything was. I met Obama in 2007 (yes, really, that’s me) and immediately I was like, “This guy fucks, I’m going to vote for him.” I still think I made the right decision to vote for him, but given that I was an idiot nineteen-year-old, it had very little to do with any substance or policy issues. You may sneer at this, but those are the type of people who we need to win over: idiots like me. Idiots vote for people who fuck.

Trump also fucked. I underestimated him in 2016 because I thought he was running for President as some kind of publicity stunt to promote a new line of Trump branded cuff links or something. Turns out, he was serious. Had I known he was serious, I would have identified him as a threat immediately because literally ten seconds into the first Republican primary debate, he fucked. The moderators asked all candidates to pwease pwease pinky pwomise that they would never run as an independent if they lost the primary. Trump was the only one who didn’t promise. I’m sorry to say this, but he fucked. He fucks a lot less now, as he moseys around Air Force One and muses that he might not go to heaven. For presidents, you either die a fucker or live to see yourself become an incoherent waddler.

Speaking of incoherent waddlers: Sleepy Joe.

Now, the skeptics might be wondering about Biden. But you’re forgetting that Biden fucked in 2020. In fact, to those of us used to “wandering around aimlessly” Biden, it can be a little jarring to realize just how sharp, charismatic and (dare I say?) funny and handsome he was just six years ago. Iconically, when a right-wing reporter was trying to stump him on the question of how many genders there were (they really only have one joke) he responded, “At least three. Don’t mess with me, kid.” Chef’s kiss. That is something a guy who fucks would say.

Between Biden and Trump in 2024, Trump obviously mogged. But of course, that wasn’t the final showdown. After Biden revealed himself to be barely-sentient in the first 2024 debate, he was replaced with Kamala Harris. And then things got complicated in Fuckland.

Now, I’m going to have to apologize for being a little bit wrong about Harris. I thought she was a better pick than Biden because she could identify people, places and things. I’m confident Biden would have lost far more miserably than Harris did, not that it really matters. I think there are many reasons for Harris’ loss to Trump, some of which have nothing to do with her as a candidate. But anyway, initially I thought she fucked in a kind of “fun drunk aunt” kind of way. This was why I declared she was winning the meme war that Hillary Clinton lost, which I now find a bit embarrassing. See, Hillary Clinton didn’t fuck at all. Bernie Sanders did, although I really don’t want to trigger some thirty-nine-year-old polyamorous men with Weezer glasses by relitigating the 2016 Democratic primary. But anyway, Harris seemed far less calculated than Clinton when it came to portraying an image of “one who fucks.” Clinton famously looked unintentionally silly (and exposed herself as not fucking) when she said “Pokemon GO to the polls.” What I like about Harris’ initial approach to communications after unseating Biden was that she seemed very clueless and unaware of all the memes about her, which made her more endearing. But of course, that couldn’t last for long. Now, Harris and Clinton are basically one in the same when people need a reference for a “corny uncool lady trying too hard to do memes.”

I would be remiss not to mention the misogyny piece. I don’t think Clinton or Harris only lost because of misogyny, but I do think that misogyny plays a part in the bar for whether or not a female candidate is likable (or, for that matter, is seen as a fucker.) As soon as a female candidate is in the spotlight, people complain that she is “too rehearsed,” as if flying off the cuff with wacky little jokes would be any better.

But I see glimmers that there are female candidates who fuck. Gretchen Whitmer probably fucks. Amy Klobuchar kind of fucked, especially when she ate her salad with a hair comb like some kind of lunatic. I have to be honest, I don’t think AOC fucks. If I may say something really controversial, I think Elizabeth Warren fucked, but when she was pitted against the likes of Bernie Sanders (who fucked more) she was brutally auramogged.

What does this mean for 2028? Well, if Polymarket is to be believed, it means we have a few months to make the best anti-Newsom case, before we’re locked in. But to unseat Newsom as the frontrunner, we need someone else—preferably someone who fucks.

Part of a data partnership with Polymarket

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