[FREE] The Incel Gorillas

what no pussy does to a mf, gorilla style

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Photo by Alexander Van Steenberge on Unsplash

A year ago, I was on a family vacation with my husband and children. We went to a zoo and immediately headed for the gorilla exhibit (our favorite.) Even though nobody asked, I confidently declared that I had identified the “silverback” of the group, believing that to be shorthand for the dominant adult male who procreates with the rest of the adult females. After all, I had seen at least two gorilla documentaries and they made it very clear that gorilla society consisted of one (1) silverback male, adult females, and their children.

But as I kept watching, I realized that the other gorillas also appeared to be male, and there was more than one silverback. Terrified of looking like a moron in front of my two young children and countless other four-year-olds nearby, I frantically began searching for some kind of placard that might explain my humiliating fumble. I wondered for a moment if the female gorillas were just a bit masculine-presenting, or perhaps (gulp) I had misgendered a gorilla.

As it turns out, all the gorillas were male. Silverbacks are simply mature gorillas, and these silverbacks weren’t procreating at all. They were part of a “bachelor troop,” which apparently happens in the wild too, not only with gorillas but other primates as well. Bachelor troops consist of all the male gorillas who weren’t able to solidify status as a dominant male of a family—including young “blackbacks” (teenage gorillas, basically) who just haven’t matured enough to reproduce, and older gorillas for whom it is so, so over actually. In other words: most male gorillas spend either most or some of their lives in little families of gorillacels.

This article might seem a little weird to you since I almost always write about people. As it turns out, gorillas (and to a lesser extent, other primates) have been a special interest of mine since childhood. When I met my husband, it turned out he was obsessed with arboreal monkeys and had written several “books” on them as a child. When we had our first child, we decorated his room with monkey things and although he showed no interest in them for the first year, he eventually became obsessed with primates by age three—especially gorillas. Trust the plan. Our younger child, in an effort to be like her cool big brother, is also obsessed with gorillas, but he has informed her that she’s “not allowed to like them.”

I will eagerly jump in front of any documentary about gorillas, chimps, bonobos or orangutans. I will watch monkey documentaries too, such as Monkey Kingdom on Disney+ (major recommend) but great apes are far more compelling for the reason that they behave almost exactly like humans, but not quite. I think that’s probably what anyone finds interesting about them. Another interesting thing about gorillas: they look like bodybuilders, but are vegan if you exclude small snacks of ants and termites. I can only assume they’re sneaking creatine somehow.

Another thing I find fascinating about gorillas is they essentially function the way the most dogmatic red pill bros believe humans behave. Forget 80% of women chasing the top 20% of men—one silverback gorilla takes almost all the troop females for himself, with the exception of his own daughters. And forget “ranting about single moms on Tinder.” gorillas are so opposed to raising another male’s child that if the dominant silverback dies and a new one takes his place, he may kill infants descended from the previous silverback. (I am devastated to learn that scientists who observe gorillas often refrain from interfering when they witness this, but it’s reassuring to know this behavior isn’t as common in gorillas as it is with other animals.)

That was a bummer, so back to the fun stuff. While gorillas may have their own Alpha Chadrillas, they also have a couple beta cucks who take his leftovers. The dominant silverback may sire the most offspring with the most females, but there may be lower-ranking male gorillas who have a few gorilla babies. It’s postulated that most of the male gorillas who remain in their natal troop are the offspring of the dominant silverback and therefore less of a threat. And according to the Dutch Gorilla Foundation, there are “mids” too. Even female gorillas of fertile age may be inexplicably ignored by the silverbacks because they’re just not his type. Imagine being the one female gorilla nobody wants to fuck. Couldn’t be me! 💅🦍

So you might be wondering how many of the incel gorillas manage to find their own families eventually. After all, no matter how “over” it may be, it’s actually not that over. Some “solitary” silverbacks might follow a troop around for a while until a female quietly leaves with him to begin their own troop. Others will take the opportunity to lead a troop when the main silverback dies. But about half of gorillacels will reproduce—the odds are not as bad as I thought. Granted, there are many out there who might accuse them of taking Chadrilla’s sloppy seconds, and frankly, yeah.

But what about violent takeover of a troop? Couldn’t a gorillacel just get really swole (they all are anyway) and then duke it out with the lead silverback? Typically, no! Another fun gorilla factoid: the sex they have is consensual. That’s right, gorillas are fully MeToopilled and woke. Somewhere out there is a “Shitty Media Gorillas” list. I always assumed that male gorillas fought for dominance of groups by killing the reigning silverback and then took the female gorillas by force. This does happen, but not commonly. New silverbacks often emerge when the previous silverback dies, but they don’t typically kill to take over the troop.

On that note, ever since I discovered bachelor troops existed, I’ve wondered about violence within bachelor troops. Are they more peaceful, because without females in the picture the males have nothing to fight about, or are they less peaceful because a group of sexually frustrated males just doesn’t give off big kumbaya energy? As it turns out, it doesn’t make much of a difference. The presence of “young silverbacks” (males age 14-20, roughly equivalent to humans age 30-40) will increase the wound rate of any gorilla troop, whether all-male or mixed gender. I’m calling for a complete and total shutdown on sexually mature male gorillas until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

I’m still trying to piece together how common it is for a male gorilla to wind up in a bachelor troop, but from what I can gather, about 50% of male gorillas stay with their natal troop, either remaining celibate and subservient to the dominant silverback (who might be their father anyway) or taking the role of a Beta Brad and reproducing with one of the females of the group as I mentioned earlier. That leaves the other 50% to go their own way, and then another 50% of that 50% might go on to reproduce by joining another troop or taking the place of a dead silverback. So really, it’s only truly over for 25% of gorillas.

Bachelor troops don’t only serve as a safe place for gorillacels. Consider it one half incel forum, one half red pill self improvement e-course. Many of the young male gorillas who join these troops learn valuable skills from the older males, which often help them to land mates later on. This also means that even within the bachelor troops, there is still a dominant silverback who makes decisions for the group, it’s just that he’s dominant over other males and has no female mate.

If you’re not wondering this by now, then something is obviously wrong with you: do the gorillacels do gay stuff? While bonobos, a primate similar to chimpanzees, are known for their pansexual tendencies, I hadn’t heard much about bicurious gorillas until I started looking into it (unfortunately, my algorithm has failed to serve me this content on its own.) As it turns out, homosexual behavior doesn’t happen very often among gorillas in mixed-sex troops, aside from juvenile gorillas engaging in play. But in bachelor troops, the dominant silverback can procure sexual favors from the other males, in basically the same way that he might approach a female if he were leading a mixed-sex group.

But where sex goes, drama follows. In 1987, researchers observed a bunch of gay mountain gorillas and noted that there were two, not one, dominant silverbacks, who frequently battled over the other males. Initially, scientists believed that same-sex activity between gorillas was just a way of showing dominance, but it seems they were actually just in it for the ass:

The silverbacks retained “ownership” of the homosexual partners, but competed and fought with each other violently when the partners avoided or ignored their courtship. Neither submissive nor reassurance behavior was noted between the silverbacks. Thus, their relationships may not be explained in terms of dominance and subordinancy.

The silverbacks were always the tops (big surprise) and while it was not always the case, the sexual activity was often done to, uh, completion. One of the younger male gorillas they observed, Titus, was a popular bottom for the silverbacks in his bachelor troop, and ultimately left the troop to become a dominant silverback in a mixed-sex troop of more than twenty-five gorillas, siring nine children, one of whom deposed and killed him at the age of thirty-five. Talk about drama! I’ve tried pitching this idea to Disney several times, but they keep telling me they aren’t interested in my screenplay, Titus: From Twink to Top. Their loss!

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