I'm so sorry to read this! I'm a boomer (68) and had fine but not-fuzzy relationships with my aged grandparents in the 60s, 70s, and 80s (by which time they had all passed on). My mom was amazing (her memory and the things she did with and for them are still fresh in my adult kids' minds) and my dad and the in-laws were enthusiastic, if not as demonstrative as Mom.
I now have ONE grandchild -- and this may be all I get :/ but I will do as much as I possibly can for my daughter and her little family. Yes, they have some very different expectations than I'm used to; yes, they live 1100 miles away; yes, it can be difficult at times for numerous reasons -- but here's a little human who needs attention and here are his parents who need a breath once in a while and here we are, loving our people.
I feel really sad for the self-centered people of the world (they're not just grandparents) and would love to show them what they're missing out on. As commenters have said, you'll have the trips and the diversions and the time for stuff --but you won't have an 18-month-old or a 3-year-old or a 15-year-old who's looking for a buddy once that day passes. They keep you young! Love your people!
Such an important post! I’d like to offer a related perspective, that of the grandchild of uninterested grandparents. My maternal grandparents were young, healthy, and would have been fully capable of being involved in my life and that of my brother and cousins, but they were not interested at all. We would see them for quick visits a few times a year for holiday dinners, but otherwise not. Even when they did come, they always showed up late and stayed just long enough to bolt their dinners and take a group photo they could show off to friends back home. They’d usually take off after only 90 minutes or so. My mom always insisted that they loved us, and that the only reason they never saw us was because they were “busy with work,” but we were not fooled. I was always polite to them, of course, but you get out what you put in: I didn’t particularly love or respect them.
Now I am the mom of adult children, and I have watched my kids grow up basking in the unconditional love and indulgent attention of their grandparents. My kids love their grandparents to infinity and beyond, and the feeling is mutual. In fact, my daughter is spending her spring break with my parents right now, and my son lives a few blocks away from my mother-in-law and sees her at least once a week. What a blessing it has been for all of them!
Those indifferent grandparents out there who would rather play pickleball or hang out with friends than spend time with their grandkids, should remember that leisure and hobbies will always be there, but if you don’t build relationships with your grandchildren, you could lose the opportunity forever. And no one ever said on their deathbed, “I regret having so many people in my life who love me.”
You don't address one point. Some kids are absolute brats. They have been helicoptered or they have parents who don't parent. Parents who want to be kids with the kids, pals, best buds...etc. Some kids are a nightmare to be around. If I had those kids for grandkids, I'd be around them as little as possible.
Great points. I hear from friends constantly about how their own parents are completely absent in their kids' lives. It's really sad. This line in particular jumped out: ...an increasingly long, neurotic list of guidelines that range from the reasonable...
I do know grandparents who are sort of afraid of transgressing their adult kids' helicopter parenting styles. But yeah there are many other factors, as you noted.
Either way, I suspect these grandparents are going to very soon (and sadly) reap what they've sown. They may be enjoying retirement now, but as they become less mobile and independent their social circle will shrink to the relationships they've invested in. I think it's gonna be ugly for a lot of older people who haven't invested in any relationships.
Good analysis. Why I do see it as sad that people in our society don't have a sense of obligation toward the youngest and most vulnerable in their communities (even their family), I also would point out that we are in an era where adult children are being encouraged not to feel any obligation towards their parents and to go no contact with them over politics and other grievances. While going NC might be warranted sometimes, we are using pretty extreme language to justify those kinds of decisions -- "you don't owe your parents a relationship". To me, it's weird to have that mindset towards your parents and then go all surprised-Pikachu when the parents apply that same logic to you. It would be hypocritical to say that you don't owe your parents a relationship but that your parents owe you a relationship. I'm not saying all millennials with unengaged parents are hypocrites, but I would suggest we examine whether we've demonstrated that we care about our parents as much as we expect them to care about us.
While I haven't seen the "go no-contact" stuff re: parenthood (probably because I no longer browse Reddit actively - well, too much at least), I can imagine it exists, and I can imagine what would be the predecessor; the people in relationship subs going comment FUCKING SEVER IMMEDIATELY to any and all infractions, ranging from mundane to "you can break up due to this but it still needs to be talked over and explained" stuff. The time to stamp down on that behavior would have been there.
>Don’t you have any friends who can help? (Note: these friends also don’t owe you anything.)
We also thought this before we had the kids, but one soon discovers that no, you don't; your friends are either childless, so you don't trust them, or they have small kids of their own, meaning they're busy anyway (and then there's the issues of one of the kids from either one always being sick and not wanting the other kids to get it, etc.)
While I haven't seen the "go no-contact" stuff re: parenthood (probably because I no longer browse Reddit actively - well, too much at least), I can imagine it exists, and I can imagine what would be the predecessor; the people in relationship subs going comment FUCKING SEVER IMMEDIATELY to any and all infractions, ranging from mundane to "you can break up due to this but it still needs to be talked over and explained" stuff. The time to stamp down on that behavior would have been there.
>Don’t you have any friends who can help? (Note: these friends also don’t owe you anything.)
We also thought this before we had the kids, but one soon discovers that no, you don't; your friends are either childless, so you don't trust them, or they have small kids of their own, meaning they're busy anyway (and then there's the issues of one of the kids from either one always being sick and not wanting the other kids to get it, etc.)
I'm so sorry to read this! I'm a boomer (68) and had fine but not-fuzzy relationships with my aged grandparents in the 60s, 70s, and 80s (by which time they had all passed on). My mom was amazing (her memory and the things she did with and for them are still fresh in my adult kids' minds) and my dad and the in-laws were enthusiastic, if not as demonstrative as Mom.
I now have ONE grandchild -- and this may be all I get :/ but I will do as much as I possibly can for my daughter and her little family. Yes, they have some very different expectations than I'm used to; yes, they live 1100 miles away; yes, it can be difficult at times for numerous reasons -- but here's a little human who needs attention and here are his parents who need a breath once in a while and here we are, loving our people.
I feel really sad for the self-centered people of the world (they're not just grandparents) and would love to show them what they're missing out on. As commenters have said, you'll have the trips and the diversions and the time for stuff --but you won't have an 18-month-old or a 3-year-old or a 15-year-old who's looking for a buddy once that day passes. They keep you young! Love your people!
Such an important post! I’d like to offer a related perspective, that of the grandchild of uninterested grandparents. My maternal grandparents were young, healthy, and would have been fully capable of being involved in my life and that of my brother and cousins, but they were not interested at all. We would see them for quick visits a few times a year for holiday dinners, but otherwise not. Even when they did come, they always showed up late and stayed just long enough to bolt their dinners and take a group photo they could show off to friends back home. They’d usually take off after only 90 minutes or so. My mom always insisted that they loved us, and that the only reason they never saw us was because they were “busy with work,” but we were not fooled. I was always polite to them, of course, but you get out what you put in: I didn’t particularly love or respect them.
Now I am the mom of adult children, and I have watched my kids grow up basking in the unconditional love and indulgent attention of their grandparents. My kids love their grandparents to infinity and beyond, and the feeling is mutual. In fact, my daughter is spending her spring break with my parents right now, and my son lives a few blocks away from my mother-in-law and sees her at least once a week. What a blessing it has been for all of them!
Those indifferent grandparents out there who would rather play pickleball or hang out with friends than spend time with their grandkids, should remember that leisure and hobbies will always be there, but if you don’t build relationships with your grandchildren, you could lose the opportunity forever. And no one ever said on their deathbed, “I regret having so many people in my life who love me.”
You don't address one point. Some kids are absolute brats. They have been helicoptered or they have parents who don't parent. Parents who want to be kids with the kids, pals, best buds...etc. Some kids are a nightmare to be around. If I had those kids for grandkids, I'd be around them as little as possible.
Great points. I hear from friends constantly about how their own parents are completely absent in their kids' lives. It's really sad. This line in particular jumped out: ...an increasingly long, neurotic list of guidelines that range from the reasonable...
I do know grandparents who are sort of afraid of transgressing their adult kids' helicopter parenting styles. But yeah there are many other factors, as you noted.
Either way, I suspect these grandparents are going to very soon (and sadly) reap what they've sown. They may be enjoying retirement now, but as they become less mobile and independent their social circle will shrink to the relationships they've invested in. I think it's gonna be ugly for a lot of older people who haven't invested in any relationships.
Good analysis. Why I do see it as sad that people in our society don't have a sense of obligation toward the youngest and most vulnerable in their communities (even their family), I also would point out that we are in an era where adult children are being encouraged not to feel any obligation towards their parents and to go no contact with them over politics and other grievances. While going NC might be warranted sometimes, we are using pretty extreme language to justify those kinds of decisions -- "you don't owe your parents a relationship". To me, it's weird to have that mindset towards your parents and then go all surprised-Pikachu when the parents apply that same logic to you. It would be hypocritical to say that you don't owe your parents a relationship but that your parents owe you a relationship. I'm not saying all millennials with unengaged parents are hypocrites, but I would suggest we examine whether we've demonstrated that we care about our parents as much as we expect them to care about us.
While I haven't seen the "go no-contact" stuff re: parenthood (probably because I no longer browse Reddit actively - well, too much at least), I can imagine it exists, and I can imagine what would be the predecessor; the people in relationship subs going comment FUCKING SEVER IMMEDIATELY to any and all infractions, ranging from mundane to "you can break up due to this but it still needs to be talked over and explained" stuff. The time to stamp down on that behavior would have been there.
>Don’t you have any friends who can help? (Note: these friends also don’t owe you anything.)
We also thought this before we had the kids, but one soon discovers that no, you don't; your friends are either childless, so you don't trust them, or they have small kids of their own, meaning they're busy anyway (and then there's the issues of one of the kids from either one always being sick and not wanting the other kids to get it, etc.)
While I haven't seen the "go no-contact" stuff re: parenthood (probably because I no longer browse Reddit actively - well, too much at least), I can imagine it exists, and I can imagine what would be the predecessor; the people in relationship subs going comment FUCKING SEVER IMMEDIATELY to any and all infractions, ranging from mundane to "you can break up due to this but it still needs to be talked over and explained" stuff. The time to stamp down on that behavior would have been there.
>Don’t you have any friends who can help? (Note: these friends also don’t owe you anything.)
We also thought this before we had the kids, but one soon discovers that no, you don't; your friends are either childless, so you don't trust them, or they have small kids of their own, meaning they're busy anyway (and then there's the issues of one of the kids from either one always being sick and not wanting the other kids to get it, etc.)