We’re all familiar with the stereotype of the overbearing grandparent—usually a grandmother. She has no boundaries. She insists on being present at the delivery. She wants the grandchild named after her, and her name is “Janice Denise”. She shows up uninvited. She flagrantly strays from the beige and terracotta registry, buying a plethora of fuchsia Minnie Mouse themed baby swings with obnoxious songs and lights. She gifts you an ancient crib from 1992 that has since been recalled after multiple infant deaths, and cries when you say you will be using the Halo Bassinest instead. We have all heard stories about this woman. And while she definitely exists, I’m here to look at the flip side: the grandparents who are just…sort of “meh” on their grandkids.
I’m not talking about abusive grandparents, or grandparents who are estranged or dangerous or for some other reason are not permitted to have access to their grandkids. I’m talking about grandparents whose kids would love a close relationship, who are invited to visit, asked to babysit, and who repeatedly say: No <3
I asked my Twitter followers about these grandparents and received many stories via replies and DM:
“My in-laws enjoy their grandkids’ company, but are completely unwilling to change anything about their routine to accommodate the fact that there are now small children in the family. As a result, they don’t see the grandkids all that much.”
“My first born was ignored by my in-laws. I asked an in-law to change a nappy as we were busy, got flat refusal.”
“They’ve not visited us for 6-7 years now.”
“They are only ‘interested’ when it suits them.”
“My parents are ALWAYS on their phones when I visit with them. A huge lack of engagement but they love seeing the kid. It’s a contradiction that has annoyed me to no end.”
“I asked my parents if they wanted to visit my 5-month-old son more often and she said, ‘well, at this age they aren’t very interesting or do much. So maybe when he is older I’ll be around more.’”
“We have never once been invited over. If I try to text to arrange plans, no answer.”
“My mom has disappointed me so much since having my daughter. She only helps if it suits her, doesn’t interact much around her, and is very unreliable.”
“In-laws have asked my son’s birthday multiple times. He’s not even three.”
“My parents have only met my kids once or twice. My in-laws just don’t make an effort to come see then, I’d have to bring them over.”
“My mom has never offered to help or give us a break (babysit, date night, etc) unprompted. And then she complains that she’s not the preferred grandparent.”
“They ended up visiting us ONCE when she was four months old but showed up hours late because they visited a nudist beach.”
So…why is this happening? Isn’t the best part of the “golden years” the adorable grandkids who you can play with, spoil, and cuddle? (Without having to deal with any guilt, discipline, or annoying things that make parenting less fun?) Why would a grandparent essentially pass on their grandkids?
There are several factors I think are at play here.
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