So Your Mom Watched the Debate and Wants to Know Who is Eating the Dogs

She also might want to know what they're doing to illegal aliens in prison

Obligatory: My book, Will There Be Free Food? is being released with one chapter every week. Find them all here!

If your parents—or any other offline characters in your life—were watching the debate last night, they likely came away with quite a great deal of confusion and concern. We are now at a point where hoaxes generated by random Twitter users can make their way to the rally stage—and before you nod solemnly about Republican misinformation, I’m actually talking about the completely made-up rumor that JD Vance had sex with a couch (to be fair, we can’t prove he didn’t.)

In case you’re getting panicked texts from your mom whose main source of political coverage is CNN or MSNBC, here are some talking points for helping her to understand what’s going on.

1.) Are they going to eat my pets?

Your mom might be asking you this after hearing Trump say “They’re eating dogs, they’re eating cats, they’re eating the pets of the people who live there.” This is based on an unfounded rumor that Haitian migrants have been absconding with people’s pets to eat them. The entire story is fake, but it’s important to note that it originated with a real image of a guy carrying a dead goose across the street, which later escalated to a completely made-up story about migrants eating cats. Trump himself inserted dogs into the conversation, which I think was actually a bit of wishful thinking. Lore time: Trump hates dogs. Anyway, assure your mom (or other relative) that nobody will eat the dog, except for possibly Trump.

2.) Who is coming into the country from mental hospitals?

This one is actually not even misinformation, it’s a misunderstanding. Trump frequently refers to people flooding into the country from “mental hospitals,” and I’m like, 99% sure he’s misunderstanding the term “seeking asylum.” This also ties into his repeated references to the “late, great, Hannibal Lector.”

3.) Is it true that Biden “doesn’t know he’s alive?”

Honestly, I don’t know. I lowkey thought he was already dead until I saw him pop off today about “doing 9/11.” He’s still got it.

Note that when Trump made this assertion, he also said that Kamala “shoved Biden out of the campaign like a dog,” which was not only perfect use of the Trumpism, “like a dog,” but was a handly little callback to the aforementioned eaten dogs.

4.) Are they “doing transgender surgeries on illegal aliens who are in prison?”

Maybe? Lol. I had to double check on the legality here but apparently it’s technically possible for this to happen under the Eighth Amendment, but there are no documented cases I could find. But look, this isn’t important. Let’s focus on what matters—the late great Hannibal Lector.

5.) Are they executing babies after they’re born?

No, of course not. They’re too busy eating dogs who escaped from mental asylums (after transing them.)

6.) What hair color is Kamala Harris using? She looks amazing.

Girl, I know. Anyway, I think it’s some kind of intense neutral brown, like Wella 4NN, but with some subtle ash/gold highlights.

7.) Who is Abdul?

The debate brought along the fact that Trump is apparently besties with some guy named Abdul, with whom he is on a first name basis. Apparently Trump took a photo of his house, sent it to him, and Abdul was like “What’s this” and Trump said “You’re just gonna have to figure that out, Abdul.” It’s giving You.

Sorry, I know this doesn’t actually clear anything up.

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