Don't Double Down on the Socially Inept

They know it's a "skill issue." You don't have to rub it in, actually.

I am one of the only people who is so socially inept that I’ve made a living of it.

Although I write about a lot of things (mostly social dynamics), my content about my own social ineptitude seems to do pretty well. One of my most popular early articles was about my upbringing as a socially awkward (yet indisputably stereotypically feminine) girl, and my most successful article of all time was a recent personal essay about a work orientation where everyone hated me—not because my coworkers were evil (although I think one of them was a bit evil—yes, it’s Taylor of course) but because I continually screwed up socially, in ways that didn’t become obvious to me until later.

My social life is much better than it used to be, even though I can’t get anyone to attend my parties (that has more to do with a lack of a cohesive friend group, and less to do with a lack of friends.) And yet, when I hear about someone who is struggling socially, I feel for them—yes, even if it’s clearly “their fault,” because (news flash) some people are bad at socializing, the way other people have bad hand-eye coordination or upper body strength (I’m lucky enough to be bad at all those things.)

Moreover, if someone struggles socially due to their own social skills deficits, I genuinely hope they find the tools to improve! Being lonely, especially against your will, really sucks. Mercifully, I had an easier time finding romantic companionship than friendship, but I imagine the double whammy of “nobody wants to date me” and “nobody wants to be my friend” especially in an era of the default state for most people being “alone on your phone” is unbearable.

But one thing I find, whenever this discourse comes up online (including in response to my recent personal essay) is that people (even ones who don’t see themselves as bullies) feel the need to pile on those who struggle socially, doubling down on how inept and defective they must be. Even when they admit it and are trying to work on it. Even when they’re vulnerable about it. Especially when they’re vulnerable about it.

I’m not talking about bots and trolls who default to racist, sexist, threatening nonsense. That stuff is generally pretty easy to ignore, specifically because it’s so copy-paste and stupid. Oh, AryanPedophile1488 thinks I’m a disgusting hag? Cool. I sleep in a big bed with my husband. The stuff that’s harder to ignore are comments like “Wow…skill issue much?” Or “You sound insufferable, no wonder nobody wants to hang out with you!” or “Well, I’m autistic and I have loads of friends—must be a YOU problem!”

Like, yeah. Socially inept people who admit to being socially inept know the problem is them. Most of these people feel horrible about themselves already! It begs the question: how anyone can consider themselves “good at socializing” while spending their time making fun of lonely strangers online whose only crime was being honest and vulnerable?