I swear reading your substack sometimes feels like looking into a mirror. I also have “pure OCD” which went undetected during my teen years and early 20s. For many years, I was terrified I was secretly trans, because I couldn’t “prove” that I knew my gender identity. It was absolute hell and I shrank into myself, crying myself to sleep every night, trying different masculine voices to check if they “fit” - and this was all something that I couldn’t even begin to explain to friends (I had and have no problem with trans people at all!) I knew people wouldn’t understand.
Like you, I found forums and this led to extremely toxic, late night reassurance seeking. Eventually, my obsessions shifted and I began to see a CBT specialist which helped a lot. One thing that no one talks about with OCD is what to do when one of your obsessions comes true. I was worried about infertility for a year or two, and then - I couldn’t conceive and had to do fertility treatments. That was a real mind fuck. I have to remind myself every day that I didn’t cause it nor did I “predict” it.
Not sure where I’m going with this, except to say thank you for this post! I’ve really enjoyed subscribing and many of your posts really resonate.
Signed, an early 30s soon to be mom who also daydreamed about being a melancholy Victorian waif, struggles with making new friends, has zero passion for any of my jobs, and probably has ADHD to boot
I learned that in this post!! How did you cope? It took me so long to accept it... think I've finally come to terms with the fact that the universe is cruel and random, and sometimes I'm going to be on the wrong side of statistics (regardless of the nature of my OCD obsession du jour). Glad IVF worked for you :)
People not understanding how intrusive thoughts work is infuriating. It isn't bad or naughty things, it is thoughts that are destructive to your sense of self
Working my way through your previous pieces after signing up and sort of cathartically discussing all of my similar issues here in your comment section, lol ... while I don't quite have OCD, I became really obsessive about a (real!) health issue I had during pregnancy, and I still can't quite let it go. It surprisingly might get resolved soon with genetic testing, and if that happens I wonder what I'll do with the mental energy I've expended on this.
(Also, interestingly, I found that being a hysterical pregnant woman really helped me receive better care in this particular instance. I thankfully found a doctor who took my concerns seriously, but would also tell me when I just needed to chill out.)
The hardest thing about ERP (Exposure-Response-Prevention) is when one has low to zero insight. That means that you are totally convinced that your "obsessions" aren't merely obsessions, and that your associated compulsions really are addressing your actual fears.
If one is convinced that one's compulsive responses are actually "doing something," then testing that by withholding the compulsive behavior appears insane or irrational. Obsessive concerns are never about trivial matters. If something is really important, then it makes sense to be "very" concerned about it. Getting HIV, passing on your highly dangerous disease to someone else, that your husband may have had a car accident, that your eating contaminated food are all matters of importance. You would be crazy to not take note of them.
Given the vital importance of one's perceived obsessions, it makes sense to try to do something about them. In some cases, people with OCD come up with "crazy" compulsions. CHH's straw incident is one of them. Her parent's and brother's health are important. She ought to be concerned about them. That she had influence over their health by her selection of a straw is "crazy" and she readily recognized it. This makes it easier to extinguish.
This is much more difficult in other cases. Germ theory has made matters much worse. Now we have a secret, invisible mechanism whereby sickness can be transmitted. A situation ripe for OCD harvest. Someone might hold their hands aloft all day in the expectation that they are minimizing contamination on their hands, or eat food only by dropping it into their mouth, or opening doors with their elbows. Such a person is convinced that they are protecting both themselves and others. And it seems to be working: no one is getting sick.
A person with contamination OCD regards normies as crazy. And when you live with and try to think like someone with contamination OCD, one realizes that maybe we are a little "crazy." Essentially, we have adopted habits about invisible things that appear to work. How long do you wash your hands? How did you come by that habit? What about the storage of food or how long you cook it. Have any us actually tried to test our habits? No, we haven't. We're just people of habit. From the perspective of the contamination OCD "unthinking brutes," because, believe me, someone with contamination OCD is thinking and watching ALL day long. What surfaces did they touch, who or what touched that surface? How does one go about cleaning up the "mess" that is everywhere?
Are you saying me asking the whole of google and five subreddits whether I love my boyfriend of three years followed by "but do I love him enough" isn't healthy, normal behaviour 🧐😂 but seriously, I've never been diagnosed with OCD but have suspected it for a while and really saw myself in your article!
Thank you for this, I really empathise, especially with the "the first result for this google is me posting 10 years ago". For the longest time I thought I had common-or-garden Health anxiety, but my particular pattern (constant googling, reading every single study ever written, posting on health forums, desperately seeking reassurance, craving someone telling me that I'm nuts) is maybe more like OCD?! God I never even realised it was reassurance seeking but I can see it clearly!
Last year it all took a turn for the worse as my son actually did have a juvenile polyp. I had to fight tooth and nail to get people to take it seriously, and it was only my industrial googling that enabled me to get the right tests. The whole time I was terrified it was IBD - the polyp was the best possible outcome. Since then I've actually been better (famous last words). Oh and the same year my husband had a month of mysterious fevers and night sweats - that was also a real "have I manifested this" moment (he's fine - he just needed antibiotics).
Ahhhh, I was diagnosed at 16 after finally learning what it was at 15 or so through YM magazine. I spent a whole summer of my childhood in a mildewey basement on purpose because I was afraid any single white cloud could turn into a funnel cloud at any time. I also refused to touch anyone in 3rd grade because I was afraid they'd give me tuberculosis. In 1991. Fun stuff! Lol. I loved reading that because it's rare to find someone describe the absurdity of OCD so well.
I wrote about my tornado thing and my later obsession with the end of the world a while back, too:
I’ll be honest, I did not expect to get five dollars worth of reading out of this subscription but I really really do
This means SO much to me, thank you! There’s so much more to come too, my book is only 2 chapters in!
Seconded - this subscription is the best "value" of any newsletter I subscribe to, and hands-down the most fun.
Omg ❤️❤️❤️
I swear reading your substack sometimes feels like looking into a mirror. I also have “pure OCD” which went undetected during my teen years and early 20s. For many years, I was terrified I was secretly trans, because I couldn’t “prove” that I knew my gender identity. It was absolute hell and I shrank into myself, crying myself to sleep every night, trying different masculine voices to check if they “fit” - and this was all something that I couldn’t even begin to explain to friends (I had and have no problem with trans people at all!) I knew people wouldn’t understand.
Like you, I found forums and this led to extremely toxic, late night reassurance seeking. Eventually, my obsessions shifted and I began to see a CBT specialist which helped a lot. One thing that no one talks about with OCD is what to do when one of your obsessions comes true. I was worried about infertility for a year or two, and then - I couldn’t conceive and had to do fertility treatments. That was a real mind fuck. I have to remind myself every day that I didn’t cause it nor did I “predict” it.
Not sure where I’m going with this, except to say thank you for this post! I’ve really enjoyed subscribing and many of your posts really resonate.
Signed, an early 30s soon to be mom who also daydreamed about being a melancholy Victorian waif, struggles with making new friends, has zero passion for any of my jobs, and probably has ADHD to boot
Did you know I needed IVF after having a fear of that too??
I learned that in this post!! How did you cope? It took me so long to accept it... think I've finally come to terms with the fact that the universe is cruel and random, and sometimes I'm going to be on the wrong side of statistics (regardless of the nature of my OCD obsession du jour). Glad IVF worked for you :)
People not understanding how intrusive thoughts work is infuriating. It isn't bad or naughty things, it is thoughts that are destructive to your sense of self
Working my way through your previous pieces after signing up and sort of cathartically discussing all of my similar issues here in your comment section, lol ... while I don't quite have OCD, I became really obsessive about a (real!) health issue I had during pregnancy, and I still can't quite let it go. It surprisingly might get resolved soon with genetic testing, and if that happens I wonder what I'll do with the mental energy I've expended on this.
(Also, interestingly, I found that being a hysterical pregnant woman really helped me receive better care in this particular instance. I thankfully found a doctor who took my concerns seriously, but would also tell me when I just needed to chill out.)
The hardest thing about ERP (Exposure-Response-Prevention) is when one has low to zero insight. That means that you are totally convinced that your "obsessions" aren't merely obsessions, and that your associated compulsions really are addressing your actual fears.
If one is convinced that one's compulsive responses are actually "doing something," then testing that by withholding the compulsive behavior appears insane or irrational. Obsessive concerns are never about trivial matters. If something is really important, then it makes sense to be "very" concerned about it. Getting HIV, passing on your highly dangerous disease to someone else, that your husband may have had a car accident, that your eating contaminated food are all matters of importance. You would be crazy to not take note of them.
Given the vital importance of one's perceived obsessions, it makes sense to try to do something about them. In some cases, people with OCD come up with "crazy" compulsions. CHH's straw incident is one of them. Her parent's and brother's health are important. She ought to be concerned about them. That she had influence over their health by her selection of a straw is "crazy" and she readily recognized it. This makes it easier to extinguish.
This is much more difficult in other cases. Germ theory has made matters much worse. Now we have a secret, invisible mechanism whereby sickness can be transmitted. A situation ripe for OCD harvest. Someone might hold their hands aloft all day in the expectation that they are minimizing contamination on their hands, or eat food only by dropping it into their mouth, or opening doors with their elbows. Such a person is convinced that they are protecting both themselves and others. And it seems to be working: no one is getting sick.
A person with contamination OCD regards normies as crazy. And when you live with and try to think like someone with contamination OCD, one realizes that maybe we are a little "crazy." Essentially, we have adopted habits about invisible things that appear to work. How long do you wash your hands? How did you come by that habit? What about the storage of food or how long you cook it. Have any us actually tried to test our habits? No, we haven't. We're just people of habit. From the perspective of the contamination OCD "unthinking brutes," because, believe me, someone with contamination OCD is thinking and watching ALL day long. What surfaces did they touch, who or what touched that surface? How does one go about cleaning up the "mess" that is everywhere?
Are you saying me asking the whole of google and five subreddits whether I love my boyfriend of three years followed by "but do I love him enough" isn't healthy, normal behaviour 🧐😂 but seriously, I've never been diagnosed with OCD but have suspected it for a while and really saw myself in your article!
Thank you for this, I really empathise, especially with the "the first result for this google is me posting 10 years ago". For the longest time I thought I had common-or-garden Health anxiety, but my particular pattern (constant googling, reading every single study ever written, posting on health forums, desperately seeking reassurance, craving someone telling me that I'm nuts) is maybe more like OCD?! God I never even realised it was reassurance seeking but I can see it clearly!
Last year it all took a turn for the worse as my son actually did have a juvenile polyp. I had to fight tooth and nail to get people to take it seriously, and it was only my industrial googling that enabled me to get the right tests. The whole time I was terrified it was IBD - the polyp was the best possible outcome. Since then I've actually been better (famous last words). Oh and the same year my husband had a month of mysterious fevers and night sweats - that was also a real "have I manifested this" moment (he's fine - he just needed antibiotics).
Ahhhh, I was diagnosed at 16 after finally learning what it was at 15 or so through YM magazine. I spent a whole summer of my childhood in a mildewey basement on purpose because I was afraid any single white cloud could turn into a funnel cloud at any time. I also refused to touch anyone in 3rd grade because I was afraid they'd give me tuberculosis. In 1991. Fun stuff! Lol. I loved reading that because it's rare to find someone describe the absurdity of OCD so well.
I wrote about my tornado thing and my later obsession with the end of the world a while back, too:
https://open.substack.com/pub/lirpa/p/tornado-movies-and-tv-psychics?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2yesh