PART 3: At 28, I Taught Myself How to Be Likable. Here's How I Did It.

The final installment of my social skills guide for socially awkward people. How do you keep connections going after the first hangout?

Hi! This is Part 3 and probably the final part of my series on learning social skills later in life. For details about how I knew I was off-putting to people, check out this personal essay. For what I learned about being more socially appropriate and becoming a better conversationalist, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Part 3 is going to focus on what to do after you’ve had a successful conversation with someone, especially someone new. How do you parlay that into a friendship? These tips might be helpful for those looking to meet romantic partners, but since I don’t have a lot of dating experience, that won’t be my primary focus. At the end of the article I will touch on it a little bit. Anyway, let’s make some friends!

1.) Know when to close the deal.

When I first became a mom, I really wanted to make mom friends. At this point, I had started to learn social skills and was doing okay, but I struggled to know how to seal the deal with moms I met in parks or in public. I always felt compelled to get people’s numbers because I had a fear that if I didn’t get a mom’s number, I’d never see her again and we’d never become friends.

This led to some kind of awkward deal-closing, which led to the following things:

1. Me having the number of someone I didn’t know that well, who I feared maybe didn’t really want to give me her number so quickly

2. Me then being afraid to text this person because I was concerned I had come on too strong

3. Me winding up seeing her again a few weeks later, but it being awkward because we had the shared understanding that I had prematurely gotten her number and we had never texted.

If you meet someone in a setting where you might see them again, even if it’ll be a while, you don’t need to get their number straight away. If you have a mutual friend, a good idea would be to tell the friend you liked that person and would enjoy hanging out as a group again.

This rule is a bit different if you are trying to meet someone romantically. I feel like, with dating, it’s a bit more normal to get someone’s number (or social media info) right away. I actually think a lot of people, especially men, lose out on dating opportunities because they don’t want to come on too strong and ask for a number or a way to contact the person. So I would say for a dating situation (admittedly this is not my area of expertise) it’s okay to come on a bit strong, if you get the sense that the person is interested, and if you give them an easy out so they don’t feel pressured. And if they’re not interested, see my first point: be compassionate toward yourself and others! It’s OK for someone to not be interested in you, and you’re also not unworthy if you get rejected (it happens to everyone.)

2.) Potential new friendships fall into 4 categories

After you meet someone who seems like they might be a good friend for you, you will need to figure out which of the following categories they belong to: