Before I read this, I'll need you to put your qualifications in your byline. If not a PhD, your BA and MRS will work just fine.
Also, I will require a companion piece on how you were invited to perform at the Saudi Comedy Festival as a warm-up act for Dave Chappelle, but after grappling with it (it's a lot of dough!), your conscience simply wouldn't let you.
If you can't manage these two small things I will have to strike you off my list of progressive and provocative think-piece writers who support and reinforce my own neurosis. That's how it goes; I don't make this stuff up.
“all the world need to know I have PhD/JD/MPH!!!!!” (Like I get it, getting phd is hard and you feel like you don’t get the treatment you deserve but idk if all the world need to know this in order to read your stuff lol
You think you're devastated! What about me as a man having to deal with the trauma that Travis Kelce will be remembered not as one of the greatest receivers in the history of NFL but as the husband of someone far more famous and successful. All self-respecting, status-maximizing men have to feel for Travis and how his love for Taylor has put him into such a terrible situation.
Think of poor Tom Brady having to continue playing long after everyone else his age had retired just to be known as something other than Gisele’s husband!
"Alternatively, she can enjoy men in one particular way—getting divorced, traveling the world and fucking the equivalent of a himbo rendition of “It’s a Small World After All,” then summarily writing a confessional essay in The Cut about how she learned from the experience."
You have this backwards, CHH. She's supposed to get divorced when she gets back to Brooklyn AFTER her sexy solo trip around the world. That way, she can write unapologetically about how liberating it feels to cheat on one's spouse! Waiting until after deciding to divorce your husband to have sex with other people is so 2015.
Excuse me, you said "cheat on one's spouse" when I'm sure you meant "break down the arbitrary limits on a woman's midlife sexual reawakening that the patriarchy has long imposed under backwards concepts like 'monogamy' or 'fidelity,' which is empowering for wives to do but don't even think about it, husbands."
Is this a subtle reference to All Fours by Miranda July? I have rarely been so confused by a book. Am I supposed to like the protagonist? Relate to the love interest? What am I to think about the child and husband being, essentially, furniture? Maybe someone here can make it make sense.
You’re a literal fascist for even suggesting that the Democratic Party is inaccessible. Are you seriously willing to compromise your morals just to let racists and sexists elect some moderate neoliberal? #Luigi2028
I mean the nerve of these boomer so-called liberals thinking that polltical parties should be concerned about people actually voting for them so they can win elections!
The online gender wars: "Men need to try harder. They need to take care of their bodies, earn more money, make me laugh, succeed beyond any reasonable measure of success, pursue successful intellectually-minded career-oriented women of the same age, achieve enormous fame while being able to protect me but also while being thoughtful, emotionally open, assertive but not too assertive, and fully on board with feminism."
Travis Kelce: apparently all those things.
The online gender wars: "Travis Kelce is the worst thing to ever happen to women in history"...apparently.
I'd also be keen to read a piece from an ovoid cultural conservative and adult Catholic convert explaining why Taylor Swift marrying at 35 will inevitably precipitate a baby boom/religious revival (of High Church Anglicanism and Traditional Latin Mass Catholicism, thank you!) among legions of newly-minted trad wives.
😭😭😭😭😭 This is soooo goood CHH. I wrote another satirical piece a week or so ago but this is so good...more ironic. I can never get the hang of that somehow...
I actually started (lightly) listening to Taylor Swift several years ago in an attempt to be a cool dad that relates to his teenage daughters. Of course my daughters moved on and like more grown up edgy stuff now. But I still occasionally click on the Taylor Swift playlist on my Spotify.
I don't get the hate or the weirdness surrounding this woman. Your and CHH's explanations for the feminist overraction to Swift are both pretty spot on.
The guys who hate her just seem to be taking out their rage against all women. No other explanation seems rational as Swift is probably the least annoying pop star ever. Her problem also might be one of overexposure. When you're famous, people tend to love you right before they get sick of you and then decide to hate you.
total side note: you once again surprised me with the 'She can still have long hair' bit. could be a cultural stateside thing (and if so not universal as at least Noah Smith regularly feels the need to announce to the world he prefers short hair) but i can assure you that in the many, many talks i have had over my adult life with flemish male buddies about what to us/them makes a woman attractive scalp hair length basically *never* pops up either way. i'd say hair in any way comes way behind things like eyes, skin, figure and such. and if it does it tends to be about its color or on basically every other piece of body real estate (one does btw wonder how male hobbits like their girlfriends' foot hair).
do you have hard data on whether western world hetero men care about hair length? could be fodder for one of your surveys...
It’s very common for more boorish men to complain that short hair makes women unattractive in my experience (American). I’ve always sorta assumed that meant “really not liking short hair” and “having more retrograde views about how to talk to women” went hand in hand lol.
At the same time it’s undeniable to me that hair is a huge part of attraction though not always a conscious one.
When I was in high school, I thought long hair looked better on women without exception. Then, the girl I liked cut her hair short. We started dating a few months after that and my views were changed completely
My observation is that there are some women that genuinely look better with short hair, but many more that don’t, and approximately every woman will try a trendy short cut at some point.
interesting point. might be a nice little research project to see if there is a correlation between liking long hair and signs of intellectual/social (lack of) maturity and prowess (of which education 'level' is a *very* imperfect measure).
that said: as one of the first of my very working class family with a college degree *and* lots of friends both with and w/o a degree and also of wildly variable backgrounds (yep, us belzhuns are different from you 'muricans) i repeat my (yes, anecdotical) observation: hetero male flemings just don't seem to give a rat's fart about scalp hair length. i most certainly don't.
That’s very interesting. I don’t mind short hair, and some women can look great with shorter hair, but as a heterosexual guy I’ve always seen longer hair (shoulder-to-lower-back length) as more attractive.
Certainly it is more conventionally attractive, which is a slightly different thing.
That could be part of it, but all else held equal (level of effort, brushing, hair treatment, glossiness, dye, etc) I definitely unambiguously see longer hair as more attractive.
There’s a joke I sometimes see online about how boys sometimes seem like they think it’s “intellectual” that they like women w/ brunette or short hair and tbh this is the reason for that phenomenon (as someone who still lowkey feels Superior when I see a guy incapable of seeing a woman as hot bc her hair is short).
It’s stupid but it does seem true to me that *open* statements *shaming* “alternative” styles correlate pretty strongly with being a dumb dick - ofc I can’t know what guys who aren’t louts are all quietly into!
This is interesting to me to read as the American-Canadian wife of a Flemish man of a background similar to what you describe. Not re: how he personally prefers women's hair but just... there do seem to be a lot of hair salons in Belgium, but the big wavy hair-extensions look, now that you mention it, is maybe not such a thing there. It's very commonplace to see feminine-looking women of all ages with short hair. As it was in the States more so until current trends.
Before I read this, I'll need you to put your qualifications in your byline. If not a PhD, your BA and MRS will work just fine.
Also, I will require a companion piece on how you were invited to perform at the Saudi Comedy Festival as a warm-up act for Dave Chappelle, but after grappling with it (it's a lot of dough!), your conscience simply wouldn't let you.
If you can't manage these two small things I will have to strike you off my list of progressive and provocative think-piece writers who support and reinforce my own neurosis. That's how it goes; I don't make this stuff up.
“all the world need to know I have PhD/JD/MPH!!!!!” (Like I get it, getting phd is hard and you feel like you don’t get the treatment you deserve but idk if all the world need to know this in order to read your stuff lol
You think you're devastated! What about me as a man having to deal with the trauma that Travis Kelce will be remembered not as one of the greatest receivers in the history of NFL but as the husband of someone far more famous and successful. All self-respecting, status-maximizing men have to feel for Travis and how his love for Taylor has put him into such a terrible situation.
Think of poor Tom Brady having to continue playing long after everyone else his age had retired just to be known as something other than Gisele’s husband!
"Alternatively, she can enjoy men in one particular way—getting divorced, traveling the world and fucking the equivalent of a himbo rendition of “It’s a Small World After All,” then summarily writing a confessional essay in The Cut about how she learned from the experience."
You have this backwards, CHH. She's supposed to get divorced when she gets back to Brooklyn AFTER her sexy solo trip around the world. That way, she can write unapologetically about how liberating it feels to cheat on one's spouse! Waiting until after deciding to divorce your husband to have sex with other people is so 2015.
Excuse me, you said "cheat on one's spouse" when I'm sure you meant "break down the arbitrary limits on a woman's midlife sexual reawakening that the patriarchy has long imposed under backwards concepts like 'monogamy' or 'fidelity,' which is empowering for wives to do but don't even think about it, husbands."
Is this a subtle reference to All Fours by Miranda July? I have rarely been so confused by a book. Am I supposed to like the protagonist? Relate to the love interest? What am I to think about the child and husband being, essentially, furniture? Maybe someone here can make it make sense.
I didn't base this on any specific book or author. I clearly didn't need to for an example to jump so quickly to mind for someone!
Jonathon Swift would approve;)
Don’t bring Taylor’s dad into this.
this comment resulted in my actual death
Oh, so on top of being a MAGA tradwife, she’s a nepo baby too???? Disgusting.
This is a perfect comment.
Fuckin nailed it bro
Well, damn. After reading this I had no choice but to upgrade to paid.
Waiting for people with no understanding of satire to share this unironically in 3...2...1....
Satire on the internet is a physical impossibility. See Poe's law
OR you have the chronically cynical creatures of Reddit and 4chan who are incapable of expressing themselves other than through endless memespeak.
<satire> ... </satire>
You’re a literal fascist for even suggesting that the Democratic Party is inaccessible. Are you seriously willing to compromise your morals just to let racists and sexists elect some moderate neoliberal? #Luigi2028
Amiright???
I mean the nerve of these boomer so-called liberals thinking that polltical parties should be concerned about people actually voting for them so they can win elections!
This but unironically
This is the only Taylor Swift thinkpiece I have consented to reading.
I don’t even know what crazy part of the internet this is responding to, but I don’t need to. 10/10 A+, no notes.
It's a conservative/neoliberal response to leftist critique of Taylor Swift.
My comment was rhetorical and tongue in cheek, so I find this response puzzling.
Being in love with a man just feels so Victorian
A workaround is to be a nonpracticing bisexual who only dates men
The online gender wars: "Men need to try harder. They need to take care of their bodies, earn more money, make me laugh, succeed beyond any reasonable measure of success, pursue successful intellectually-minded career-oriented women of the same age, achieve enormous fame while being able to protect me but also while being thoughtful, emotionally open, assertive but not too assertive, and fully on board with feminism."
Travis Kelce: apparently all those things.
The online gender wars: "Travis Kelce is the worst thing to ever happen to women in history"...apparently.
Damnit, this sounds great, now *I* want to marry Travis Kelce.
I'd also be keen to read a piece from an ovoid cultural conservative and adult Catholic convert explaining why Taylor Swift marrying at 35 will inevitably precipitate a baby boom/religious revival (of High Church Anglicanism and Traditional Latin Mass Catholicism, thank you!) among legions of newly-minted trad wives.
Were the new emotional support animals pitbulls?
😭😭😭😭😭 This is soooo goood CHH. I wrote another satirical piece a week or so ago but this is so good...more ironic. I can never get the hang of that somehow...
Which piece was that, CR?
oh here you go: https://theculturalromantic.substack.com/p/death-of-a-nightmare-oh-taylor-what
I loved that piece - perhaps I forgot to comment on it, though.
Oh thank you! Glad you liked it :)
I will check it out
Look forward to hearing your thoughts!
I actually started (lightly) listening to Taylor Swift several years ago in an attempt to be a cool dad that relates to his teenage daughters. Of course my daughters moved on and like more grown up edgy stuff now. But I still occasionally click on the Taylor Swift playlist on my Spotify.
I don't get the hate or the weirdness surrounding this woman. Your and CHH's explanations for the feminist overraction to Swift are both pretty spot on.
The guys who hate her just seem to be taking out their rage against all women. No other explanation seems rational as Swift is probably the least annoying pop star ever. Her problem also might be one of overexposure. When you're famous, people tend to love you right before they get sick of you and then decide to hate you.
Agreed. I am so glad you listen to TayTay. She's given me great joy in the past couple of years :)
I literally laugh-spit coffee on my computer reading the line "my emotional support Komodo dragon Oliver". Thanks for the mess, CHH.
one of your best and funniest pieces. thank you.
total side note: you once again surprised me with the 'She can still have long hair' bit. could be a cultural stateside thing (and if so not universal as at least Noah Smith regularly feels the need to announce to the world he prefers short hair) but i can assure you that in the many, many talks i have had over my adult life with flemish male buddies about what to us/them makes a woman attractive scalp hair length basically *never* pops up either way. i'd say hair in any way comes way behind things like eyes, skin, figure and such. and if it does it tends to be about its color or on basically every other piece of body real estate (one does btw wonder how male hobbits like their girlfriends' foot hair).
do you have hard data on whether western world hetero men care about hair length? could be fodder for one of your surveys...
Shaved Feet in the number one Pornhub search in the Shire
I actually lol'ed at this
It’s very common for more boorish men to complain that short hair makes women unattractive in my experience (American). I’ve always sorta assumed that meant “really not liking short hair” and “having more retrograde views about how to talk to women” went hand in hand lol.
At the same time it’s undeniable to me that hair is a huge part of attraction though not always a conscious one.
When I was in high school, I thought long hair looked better on women without exception. Then, the girl I liked cut her hair short. We started dating a few months after that and my views were changed completely
My observation is that there are some women that genuinely look better with short hair, but many more that don’t, and approximately every woman will try a trendy short cut at some point.
interesting point. might be a nice little research project to see if there is a correlation between liking long hair and signs of intellectual/social (lack of) maturity and prowess (of which education 'level' is a *very* imperfect measure).
that said: as one of the first of my very working class family with a college degree *and* lots of friends both with and w/o a degree and also of wildly variable backgrounds (yep, us belzhuns are different from you 'muricans) i repeat my (yes, anecdotical) observation: hetero male flemings just don't seem to give a rat's fart about scalp hair length. i most certainly don't.
That’s very interesting. I don’t mind short hair, and some women can look great with shorter hair, but as a heterosexual guy I’ve always seen longer hair (shoulder-to-lower-back length) as more attractive.
Certainly it is more conventionally attractive, which is a slightly different thing.
My hypothesis is that it’s more about looking good and that’s just harder to mess up with Standard Long Hair
That could be part of it, but all else held equal (level of effort, brushing, hair treatment, glossiness, dye, etc) I definitely unambiguously see longer hair as more attractive.
There’s a joke I sometimes see online about how boys sometimes seem like they think it’s “intellectual” that they like women w/ brunette or short hair and tbh this is the reason for that phenomenon (as someone who still lowkey feels Superior when I see a guy incapable of seeing a woman as hot bc her hair is short).
It’s stupid but it does seem true to me that *open* statements *shaming* “alternative” styles correlate pretty strongly with being a dumb dick - ofc I can’t know what guys who aren’t louts are all quietly into!
This is interesting to me to read as the American-Canadian wife of a Flemish man of a background similar to what you describe. Not re: how he personally prefers women's hair but just... there do seem to be a lot of hair salons in Belgium, but the big wavy hair-extensions look, now that you mention it, is maybe not such a thing there. It's very commonplace to see feminine-looking women of all ages with short hair. As it was in the States more so until current trends.
I'm a sucker for long beautiful hair.
Definitely something I liked about my wife when we started dating.
Short hair can be cute but it's rarely beautiful