I have to admit, I’ve waffled on writing this piece because every time I wade into this discourse I get yelled at. But I might as well, because why not. All I ask is you hear me out and assume best intentions.
I’ve seen a particular type of online conversation play out many times. A chauvinistic man will say something about how “women expire after 23” or something else designed as bait to get negative attention, and he will be flooded with women saying things like “WRONG! I’m 38 and this is the hottest I’ve ever looked and I don’t care what you think!” complete with sexy photos of themselves, presumably to validate their thesis about being “at their hottest.” A man who probably shouldn’t even be legally permitted to be within ten miles of a woman has now been inundated with thousands of photos of beautiful women. That’ll show him!
Obviously, the biggest jerk in the scenario is the man (Evergreen.) But I have to be honest, I don’t understand the urge to prove your hotness—to a man, no less—juxtaposed with a declaration that you “don’t care what men think.”
I know what you’re thinking—I’m being a pick-me, I’m being an asshole, plenty of women want to look hot “for themselves.” And on the surface, I get it! My husband and I have been together a long time, and he’s fine with me wearing zero makeup and never dressing up, yet I still choose to get dolled up fairly often because it makes me happy. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve probably seen my jokes about how I like Chanel-inspired crop top sets, pink bows, high heels and makeup while my husband just likes “gray leggings.” But I have to be honest with myself: this stuff is not really for me. It’s for me on the surface, but why do I feel so confident in heels, which are way less comfortable than sneakers? Why do I feel confident wearing makeup, even though it’s impractical when my toddler licks my face? Why do I feel confident when my legs are smooth, even though shaving and waxing are both kind of annoying to do? Why do I feel confident with long hair, even though it’s constantly getting tangled in my baby’s death grip? Would I do any of these things if I was born into a female-only society in which women reproduced asexually? Probably not. The things that I do for my appearance “for myself” are built on thirty-plus years of living in a society that values women primarily for their looks and elevates femininity as the societal ideal (even if femininity is also devalued in other ways.) It’s nearly impossible to decouple that. This doesn’t mean that I’m a bad feminist for wanting to be pretty (I don’t really care to get into the feminism purity tests) just that it’s nearly impossible, especially as a hetero woman, to separate yourself from the beauty standards you’ve been inundated with your entire life.
I’ve said this before and it seems to anger a lot of women. They assume I’m a radical feminist who believes any enjoyment of makeup or fashion makes you a “slave to the patriarchy.” (Quite the opposite- I’m about as girly as it gets.) Or they believe that I’m denying their “lived experience.” And perhaps there truly are a few women out there who feel more comfortable in heels than sneakers, perhaps they have naturally-sculpted Barbie feet. But the reason I don’t believe this is true of the majority of women is: just look at men.
Men don’t seem to have as hard of a time admitting that their appearance is directly tied to the opinions of women, and I think it’s because while men don’t face much pressure to be handsome (although that’s changing somewhat) they also don’t face any pressure to “push back against matriarchal beauty standards.” Men will readily admit that they want to be buff to attract women. They will also admit that in the absence of women, they would sit around in sweatpants that hadn’t been washed for a week. Perhaps some men are outliers, but men don’t seem to have to walk this tightrope between needing everyone to think they’re hot, and needing everyone to think they don’t care if anyone thinks they’re hot. A heterosexual man will simply say “Yeah, I want to be handsome enough for women to want to date me, or handsome enough to look sexy for my wife,” and that’s the end of the story. This isn’t because men are more naturally enlightened, it’s because men have a pretty straightforward narrative about their looks: you are treated better if you are handsome, it’s OK to want to be handsome, but there are things more important than being handsome. Some men take it too far (see: the incel app that measures every angle of your face) but I have yet to see a straight man who is obsessed with his looks while also denying that it has anything to do with women or sex.
When we talk about “unrealistic expectations” of women we think about the expectation to be thin, to look eighteen forever, or to wake up in full glam. But the reality is there’s another expectation that none of this should require any work, you shouldn’t actually care about it, and most importantly: if you do put any effort into your appearance, it has to be a form of “radical self care,” and completely unrelated to attracting men. Despite the fact that most heterosexual women desire a partner, and want to look good for their existing partner, this is some kind of open secret that has to be ritualistically denied. Hetero women on Twitter frequently declare they “hate men” and “don’t want to be around men” while spending a great deal of time and effort into looking attractive in a way that men find appealing and presumably…still dating men. Between these women and the incels of Twitter, it feels a bit like the “boys/girls have cooties” fights I witnessed in elementary school.
Maybe I should shut up and play along, but for some reason I just can’t. I once mentioned on Reddit that I specifically wore clothes that my husband liked for our date nights, and was told that I was probably being emotionally abused. I wrote an article about clothing men like and don’t like (mostly because I’m fascinated by how men and women perceive clothing, as a fashion enjoyer) and was told on Twitter that because of women like me “we’ll never have liberation.”
Of course, being attractive has benefits outside of dating. Attractive people of both genders enjoy the “halo effect.” It makes sense that someone with zero interest in attracting a partner might still want to be attractive. But this still isn’t really for themselves, it’s building a currency that can be exchanged. If you lived alone and didn’t have a mirror, why would your looks matter? Why would your self worth hinge at all on being hot? Perhaps you’d wear clothing in your favorite color, because it would be nice to look at, but if nobody was around, why would you wear anything other than what was comfortable and practical?
There’s also the fact that makeup and fashion are just plain fun for a lot of women, myself included, and we may even value compliments from other woman above compliments from men. After all, it’s women who will notice the bow motif on my purse and boucle tweed of my jacket, whereas men would say either nothing or “huh, nice outfit.” Fashion and makeup can be part of female bonding, and in my case, are the bedrock for a few of my more casual friendships. But these things didn’t appear in a vacuum, and while some fashion absolutely is man-repellent on purpose, I have to be honest about the fact that none of mine is, and it’s no coincidence that I’m turned off by wearing the types of clothes that men generally hate, and that what’s “flattering” on my body and brings me joy and confidence falls exactly in line with the societal idea of what a woman’s body should look like.
Anyway, let’s take a step back and assume that I’m just insane (very possible) and most women derive genuine happiness, unrelated to the patriarchy, when they look hot, and if they lived alone or in a female-only island they would be doing fillers, Botox and bikini waxes, and the fact that these things might be male-approved is pure coincidence. Fine. So I ask this: why aren’t women posting as many threads about how smart, kind or interesting they are? Why is the most insistent, indignant form of self-celebration always about hotness? Why do I see 100 posts a day about looking “younger and hotter than ever” at 40, but nearly none about being smarter than ever, or having more empathy than ever, or being funnier than ever? Being “hot” seems to be an identity for far more women than being funny, yet most women would probably choose a funny friend over a hot one. Being told they’re “not hot” seems to offend women far more than being told they’re not funny.
(I’m aware you can be hot and funny- I’m just saying…which attribute would be more beneficial in a friend? Would you care if your friends were hot? I wouldn’t.)
Anyway, it’s okay to want to be hot. It’s okay to derive pleasure from hotness that seems like it’s for yourself. There’s no need to examine every manicure and dye job with the lens of an insufferable sociology professor. But next time you’re tempted to respond to an obnoxious man saying that your worth is limited to your looks in an attempt to bait you into posting photos or getting upset, I would argue: consider not giving him the time of day.
Also, proclaiming that you're hotter than ever at, say, 40 is still just delaying the inevitable because nobody gets hotter forever. At some point, you're gonna be on the physical decline. And then what?
I think a lot of women (or more specifically, progressive women) feel guilty about what they're truly interested in. Take the perpetual wars over the relative unpopularity of women's sports (though women's NCAA basketball seems to be doing great right now, even better than the NBA lol). It's not as if women lack the financial or cultural power to make women's sports hugely popular and profitable if they truly wanted to.
But most women would rather devote that energy to something like fashion and beauty since that's where true feminine prestige and status are earned, much like how male status is derived from athletics. So the anger (and guilt) is shifted to men, on why men aren't watching more women's sports; because the truth, that most women would rather be hot/pretty/stylish than athletic, makes those women feel bad about the gulf between what they profess to be their ideals and what they truly value.
Great article! That's why i don't fw modern feminism anymore because it's all turned into this. You not only can't say the truth about how things are but you can't even think it. Girlbossing and traditional beauty standards will save your soul, but you can't just only keep up appearances now (to get partners/power). You have internalize that it's good and moral and healthy, believe it and live it, pretending that it's your and only your choice alone. Even if ppl try to abstain try can't truly escape, and definitely not without giving things up. It was always destined to turn into this, and why body positivity/neutrality will never succeed, unless we get rid of all human desire for power/attractive partners or completely overhaul what these concepts mean to humans on a fundamental level, none of us will ever be truly free.