What Happens to People Who Ask Reddit for Relationship Advice?

I surveyed 100 people to see what happened after they asked Reddit to help them with social conflicts.

Between overstepping mother-in-laws, clueless husbands, catty best friends and creepy coworkers, Reddit has become a hub for relationship advice. It’s not hard to see why—you can post anonymously and instantly reach thousands of people who will (for free!) provide insight into your situation. Sure, some of them might be teenagers or trolls, but at least you can source a variety of responses. Most importantly, these people don’t know you or the person with whom you’re having conflict, and if you change a few identifying details, you can be fairly certain that your issue will remain reasonably private.

I’ve asked Reddit for relationship advice before, many times, about many different people, always on throwaway usernames. The instance that sticks in my head the most was when I asked Reddit about a female friend of mine who was angry that I left her party early because my husband was having a terrible time. Perhaps subconsciously, I wanted Reddit to validate my belief that my friend was being unreasonable (we had been at the party for a while by the time we left) but instead, I was hit with the good old “you need to leave your abusive husband” reply. Apparently, my husband (we had been together for 7 years or so) was “isolating me from my friends” as part of a long game strategy to become physically abusive. When I denied he was abusing me, they turned on me for my ignorance, yelled at me for “enabling” his abuse, and I became the villain of the story for “allowing” myself to be abused.

This interaction felt so typical of Reddit. I had posted something primarily to complain and get validation, the Reddit hivemind had sought out a villain, it wasn’t the villain I thought it would be, and then because I failed to agree with them, I became the villain. In this case, I didn’t take Reddit’s advice to leave my husband, but I did take Reddit’s advice when I was dealing with a different interpersonal conflict, with my best friend at the time. I wrote about our conflict in a different piece, but basically, my lack of involvement in my best friend’s startup (and her expectation that I be more supportive) had made both of us resentful. This friendship probably wasn’t destined to last forever, but Reddit’s advice was a bit extreme. They believed she was—you guessed it—emotionally abusing me, and I should ghost her. Unfortunately, I took their advice. I didn’t completely ghost her (I never blocked her) but because I was too afraid to tell her why I wanted to end our friendship, I simply moved to another state and never told her (not my finest moment.)

Anyway, I wanted to understand if my experiences were universal. What if I’m just a particularly dishonest OP and if I had been more even-handed in my descriptions, I would have gotten good advice? Or what if Reddit really is a toxic dogpile that always needs a scapegoat, and frequently blames the wrong person? I surveyed 100 people who asked for relationship advice on Reddit to find out.

My biggest misconception about Reddit advice was that the OP is usually just there to complain and doesn’t really want advice (maybe because that has typically been true of me.) But I might be wrong—40% of survey respondents said that they took Reddit’s advice as a result of their post. Note that I asked people to describe one instance of asking for advice on Reddit which sticks in their heads the most—I assume most of these people have asked Reddit about multiple situations before.

It’s important to note that I didn’t specify that the subreddit had to be a relationships-focused subreddit. Perhaps ones not intended to referee conflicts will be more helpful, or at least more supportive. Johnny, 29, told me he asked r/mypartneristrans, a subreddit to support partners of trans people, about how to introduce his partner’s gender to his family (his partner was a trans man who recently decided to publicly transition, but Johnny’s family weren’t yet aware of the transition.) “I got a lot of different advice, with some people suggesting that I do it in person, others suggesting I do it over the phone/Facetime, and one suggested that I write a letter,” he says. “I was studying abroad in China at the time, and I wrote out an entire letter, fully intending to send it, but it just didn’t feel right to do it that way. So I waited until I got home and told my parents then. I don’t think I found any specific piece of advice from the Reddit comments to be especially helpful in practice, but it was just comforting to hear from people who had been in similar situations before and know that it went ok for them.”

Although I’ve always assumed r/AmITheAsshole was primarily for validation and venting, I was surprised to hear from a 27-year-old woman who openly uses it with her spouse to resolve marital conflicts. “My husband and I have used AITA for several arguments. In the past when I’ve been ruled against I have apologized. Most recently he was ruled against and still didn’t fully agree, but it made me feel more confident in my position. It’s useful to get outside feedback from people who don’t know us.”

Although Reddit can be helpful, it’s pretty common for Redditors to seek out a villain in any social conflict (and in some cases, this might be an accurate assessment.) In fact, 60% of all respondents said that when they asked Reddit for relationship advice, there had been a verdict that involved one party being the villain. Perhaps reassuring, the gender of the person asking the question didn’t seem to impact whether their opposite-sex romantic partner would be the villain or not. 55% of women asking about a male partner were told their partner was the villain of the story, but the same thing happened to 60% of men asking about a female partner (given the sample size, the 5% difference isn’t statistically significant.)

However, men with a female romantic partner were more likely to leave the Reddit thread feeling “worse about their situation” compared to their female counterparts. 50% of male OPs asking about a female romantic partner said they felt worse after asking Reddit for advice, compared with 37% of women asking about a male partner.

While taking advice from Reddit was fairly common, it probably depended on what was being advised. When asked what Reddit’s advice was, most people selected “change my own behavior” more than any other option (55%.) 46% of people said that Reddit advised them to end a relationship (romantic or otherwise) and 33% said Reddit told them to seek therapy.

When the advice from Reddit included ending the relationship with the other person, 33% of OPs followed the advice. Whether or not the OP agreed to end the relationship did not depend on their gender or the gender of their partner.

Although Reddit has a reputation for going overboard with telling people to divorce or dump their partners, some of the most extreme condemnation seems to come out of non-romantic situations. This seems to depend greatly on the sub itself—for example, one woman told me about a bad experience she had posting to the “manners” subreddit. “I wanted to invite a coworker to our house for happy hour after work, husband was unsure because we didn’t have DINNER to provide them. I asked Reddit manners and it was an immediate pile-on. They all basically said I was the worst host imaginable and blamed Americans for their complete lack of social graces and kindness. I did end up inviting coworker over, had a couple beers, some good convo, and they left. Of course they didn’t expect dinner and were fine with no snacks. All was well. Have never posted a real question to Reddit again.” I can relate: many years ago I asked about whether I did something wrong by asking a server in a restaurant if the cheese in a salad was pasteurized, because I was pregnant and avoiding listeria (it had been a conflict because the server had made a wild guess instead of asking the chef, and I asked her to confirm.) Unanimously, I was told I was a turbo-Karen, that people pitied my child for having to live with me as a mother, that I reminded them of their own emotionally abusive mothers, and that if I was worried about listeria, I should simply never go to restaurants for the duration of my pregnancy. Perhaps there was room to tell me that I was being overly neurotic about the cheese, but when Reddit finds a villain, there isn’t a lot of nuance.

One issue that multiple people noted was that Reddit often gave advice that just wasn’t practical. A SAHM who experienced minor but frequent conflicts with her husband was told to divorce him repeatedly, even though she said in her posts that she didn’t want to divorce him, her priority was improving their marriage, and she didn’t think it was practical to start over as a single mother. A college student who owed her father money that she borrowed in order to move, expressed concern about how to pay him back on an unemployed student’s budget. She was called an entitled brat and told to join the military.

Overall, it seems like asking Reddit for relationship advice is a mixed bag—some people do it openly and frequently, others do it once and never again—but the most important metric, at least in my opinion, was whether people felt they made the right decision. While not everyone took Reddit’s advice, of those who did, 61% felt they made the right decision—so despite all the jokes I’ve made about Reddit being full of maladjusted weirdos itching for a scapegoat, it sounds like in the right situations, Reddit can actually spark real (positive) change.

But unfortunately, Reddit can be mean. The seeking out of a villain isn’t always bad per se—if someone writes about their boss punching them in the face, labeling the boss a villain is perfectly reasonable. But 45% of commenters felt that they, or the other person in their conflict, was attacked beyond what was reasonable. 50% of respondents said that when looking back at all the questions they’ve asked about relationships on Reddit, their feelings have been hurt, and 13% said that Reddit has made them cry over such posts. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that some of the people who are most active on advice subs seem to believe that they are doling out “tough love,” which doesn’t really apply when you don’t know (and certainly don’t love) the OP. Unless someone is posting about their illustrious career as a serial killer, there is usually some room for grace and nuance in a Reddit reply—yes, even if OP is “the asshole.” Dunking on strangers (especially strangers who actually are in the wrong) is simply very fun for certain people, and I believe those people are more likely than your average person to be active on Reddit subs.

This selection effect is what people should keep in mind when they go to Reddit for advice. For example, the woman who asked the manners subreddit about not providing dinner for guests probably wouldn’t have made waves if she didn’t ask a group of people who are specifically obsessed with manners. If you ask questions about wedding attire on r/weddingattireapproval, you will be subject to some of the most rigid rules about wedding attire—probably much more rigid than what the bride believes. Sometimes, relying on generic relationship advice subreddits prevents this degree of bias, but then you’re selecting for people who enjoy moderating other people’s relationship issues. Generally, if you’re asking an emotionally charged question about anything, you’re going to be dealing with some degree of bias because subreddits are voluntarily joined by people who have interest in that topic. That bias could reflect as expertise—for example, asking the breastfeeding subreddit about their favorite pump—but it could also be experienced as being yelled at by a bunch of dogmatic weirdos who have opinions that wouldn’t be considered normal anywhere else.

There’s also what I call “general Reddit bias.” These trends might be changing over time, but in my experience, Reddit skews anti-religion, anti-children, anti-party and anti-wedding. They also skew pro-dog, pro-introvert and pro-intellectualism. If you post that you want to skip your friend’s Catholic wedding because you’d rather stay home reading fantasy novels with your dog, that plan might receive far more approval than it deserves. Not to make it all about me once again, but I was lambasted for posting that I was disappointed at how few people RSVPed to my birthday party—apparently it was “narcissistic” and “childish” for any adult to have a birthday party, even if they didn’t expect gifts. I saw a woman post on r/relationships about her upcoming wedding, and how she was struggling with an anxiety disorder that caused her to feel insecure in her relationship. She was told to postpone or cancel her wedding until she could “get therapy,” as if that was going to quickly fix her anxiety disorder—not that it was bad to tell her to get therapy, but Reddit saw her wedding (which was only a few months away) as a negotiable luxury, akin to a Tahoe vacation, and not one of the most important moments in her life.

So ultimately, if you’re going to ask Reddit for advice about a social conflict or issue, here’s my advice:

• If you just want to vent and complain, don’t even bother posting—you’re genuinely better off venting to ChatGPT.

• Keep the subreddit bias in mind. If you are asking r/raisedbynarcissists about your mildly annoying parent, realize there is a decent chance they will be labeled emotionally abusive and you will be told to go no-contact. Minor social issues are better posted to more generic relationship subs.

• If you want Reddit to genuinely help you make a decision (for example, whether to quit a job or not) mention that early on in the post so they know what you’re asking. If you specifically don’t want a particular kind of advice (for example, you know for a fact you aren’t divorcing your spouse because they bought an ugly quilt for your bed) mention that early on too—although in my experience, lots of people will ignore this anyway.

• If your post is about weddings or religion (especially Christianity), factor in some degree of bias.

• When in doubt, if everyone yells at you, just create twenty other usernames to yell at all your haters in the comments section.

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