They Don't Let You Have Affairs Anymore

Because of woke (and phone)

Surprise! Typically, Friday is for fashion but today, there was just too much pressing discourse about the infamous Coldplay concert cheating couple (if you’re out of the loop, keep reading.) Also, just for fun, the end of the article will include a summary of the issue in my notorious Trump impression. Hey, it’s my Substack, I can do what I want.

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By now, you might have seen the story about Andy Byron, the married CEO of Astronomer, being exposed for having an affair when his and his affair partner’s canoodling made it to the Jumbotron at a Coldplay concert. In case that doesn’t make it bad enough, he was called out by Chris Martin himself.

Turns out the woman in his arms was none other than Kristin Cabot, the CPO at Astronomer. Oh, to be one of their employees on the Slack channels the next day! (Just kidding, I never want to work corporate again, but this would almost make it worth it.) Within twelve hours, the viral moment was shared all over social media, Byron’s wife and Cabot’s husband were notified, and the company made headlines for all the wrong reasons. Redditors even asked if this should impact their decision to invest in Astonomer.

People had plenty of observations, chief among them that it was surprising that such a man would pursue an affair with a completely age-matched and status-matched woman (I fucking TOLD you so, MANY times.) But that wasn’t my first thought when I saw this. Instead, I couldn’t help but notice that this type of rapid-pace public shaming over infidelity just wouldn’t have happened twenty years ago. Yes, perhaps a couple having an affair partner would get caught on the Jumbotron. People got caught cheating all the time back then (see: Bill Clinton.) But it seems that with the rise of social media and its associated use as a surveillance tool, along with fewer fake excuses to leave the house and fewer acceptable places to meet people, affairs might be on their way out.

Hey, at least there’s an upside to the loneliness crisis! If it’s hard to find one person to sleep with, it’s even harder to find two, and get away with it.