There's No Way Every Man Is "Avoidant Attached"

We used to call this "he's just not that into you."

Recently, I saw a Reddit post make its way across Twitter (so you know it was really bad) wherein a woman asks for advice about her husband asking for a “break” to explore the single life…a few months after they had a baby.

Okay, obviously, reprehensible. Horrible. I cannot even imagine. Guys like this should be stuffed into lockers (assuming any of this is real—I of all people should be skeptical). But what struck me about the post was that as she prefaced the situation, she explained that while she is “anxious attached,” her husband had ADHD and is “avoidant attached.” (In other words, she has a disordered attachment style that involves a strong need for validation and emotional intimacy, and he has the opposite—where he avoids emotional intimacy and withdraws.)

She would not be the first woman to describe a man who is treating her in an objectively bad way as “avoidant attached.” Attachment styles/disorders seem to be the latest hot therapy buzzwords, used to explain a particular relationship problem: when a man is either treating a woman horribly, or showing clear disinterest.

I’m not denying that attachment disorders are real. Severe ones, such as reactive attachment disorder or disinhibited social engagement disorder, are diagnosable conditions in the DSM-5 and are typically associated with people who experienced profound abuse or neglect as children. (No, we’re not talking about going to daycare or being sleep trained.) These disorders are also…pretty rare, and more commonly seen in people who have been in the foster care system.

But disordered “attachment styles” like being anxious/avoidant aren’t diagnosable mental health conditions in the DSM-5. While they may technically exist, they are vague enough that every amateur online is very confident in their ability to “diagnose” them in themselves and others, or use them to explain behavior that could otherwise be explained by “one of these people isn’t really that interested in the relationship.”

And when it comes to relationships, invariably, it’s the man who is avoidant attached and the woman who is anxious attached. There is an entire Reddit sub dedicated to anxious attachment styles, where one post asks, “Why are all of us women?” Well…I mean…