The Mystery of the Wear-Nowhere Cocktail Dress

Where are people wearing dresses that are too sexy for weddings, but too formal for clubs?

Photo by Alexander Mass on Unsplash

As a mom of two young children, I regularly have to balance my love of fashion with the practical realities of my life. Every time I leave the house, there’s an opportunity to put together an outfit, but often the outfit necessitates sneakers, jeans or even sweatpants. But I still find ways to carve out occasions that warrant dressing up a bit nicer—my husband and I try to go on a date night every week (more realistically, every two weeks.) Sometimes, we take the kids to decent restaurants where some dressy attire makes sense. And once in a blue moon, we’re invited to a wedding that doesn’t require a weekend nanny, two international flights, three shuttles and one helicopter ride.

But I’ve noticed that there is a major mismatch between the lifestyles of everyday people (parent or not) and the clothing available for purchase online. Whenever I browse my favorite brands or fashion designers, I can’t help but notice a wide variety of cocktail or party dresses that seem to have zero real-life application. They’re too formal for nightlife, too sexy or inappropriately colored for a wedding, and too fancy for anything else. I call them the “Wear-Nowhere Cocktail Dresses.”

Take, for example, this strapless cream dress from my favorite dress designer, Self Portrait. Where would someone wear this? Clearly not a wedding—it’s strapless and white. I can only think of two events where it might make sense: a bachelorette party (where you are the bride) although it might be a bit stuffy and formal clubbing, or an extremely fancy birthday party (I have not been invited to anything like this, quite literally ever, and I don’t think they exist anymore outside of Gossip Girl reruns or Sabrina Brier videos about “the friend who wants everyone at the birthday party to like her.”)

Now, you might disagree with this assessment. You might say that a dress like this could be worn for a date night, and it could, but you would be the only one dressed like this. Trust me, I would know.