The Friendzone is a Teenage Rite of Passage

The “Friendzone” is just another word for an unrequited crush, and I’ve been on both sides.

I remember in the mid-2010s when the term “friendzone” was an easy target if you wanted to make fun of clueless fedora-donning neckbeards. The idea was basically that some men believed that women were “vending machines” where if they inserted enough politeness coins, they would be rewarded with sex. When the sex failed to materialize, they would decry the cruelty of the “friendzone,” even if the woman in question had never given them any indication that she was interested (and in some cases, they weren’t even friends.)

These men certainly exist, so this wasn’t a totally made-up concept, but I feel like a few points need to be made. First of all, plenty of teenage boys were (and perhaps still are) given the advice that if they want a girl to like them, their best bet is to be nice, and to be friends first, which doesn’t include the possibility that you can be very nice and someone still won’t find you attractive (surely, they can think of examples of girls they know who they find nice enough, but not attractive.)

Second, people find themselves in this position all the time, so the “friendzone” is a real thing—it’s just that it tends not to be a sadistic scam exclusively run by women. Most women are not purposefully stringing men along so they can use them for money and favors. Most women do not punish men they otherwise find attractive for being nice to them, assuming “nice” doesn’t actually mean “boring and passive.” While I believe the friendzone technically exists, I think it’s better described as the gray area where one (or both) people are bad at giving or reading signals of interest or disinterest, especially during the teen years. But that, frankly, doesn’t sound so catchy.

While men might find themselves in this boat more than women, I’d say almost every woman has her own story of being friendzoned, although she’s unlikely to refer to it as such. High school dating—the only area where I actually have considerable dating experience—may be fairly overrated, but one thing it’s really good for is enabling you to understand whether someone is interested in you romantically or just as a friend. Painful and awkward as it is, it’s an inevitable part of teen dating. I would know—I’ve had experiences on both sides of the friendzone. *Law and Order SVU music*. Here are my stories.