Silence, Parents: A 28-Year-Old's Inner Child Is Speaking
Why many judgments of "lazy" parents are from people who don't have kids
This week, a headline hit Twitter that sent both parents and non-parents into a spiral of obnoxious discourse:
One thing I should point out: this is actually referring to Reception in the UK (which is basically like Pre-K in the US; these kids are about four.)
I have a child this age (yes, he is toiled trained and knows how books work!) so naturally I found this conversation interesting. One thing I noticed right away was that people who didn’t even have kids immediately jumped in to blame (big surprise here) the parents:
I shouldn’t have to make this disclaimer, but: clearly not all childless people engage in this behavior. I think most people who don’t have kids don’t insert themselves into parenting discussions. But I notice some interesting patterns among those who do.
Some of these takes make more sense in the context of which the article was posted. It was initially presented as “lockdown consequences,” implying that there was some kind of draconian lockdown that was to blame for delays in children four years later. This is obviously not true; if you lived in the UK or the US during 2020 you didn’t really have to isolate that long (legally speaking.) However, many people, especially those with infants (myself included), locked down longer on a purely voluntary basis because of health concerns. As a result, lots of 2020 babies didn’t really start socializing outside of their parents until they were 12-18 months, or even later. But—and I’m speaking generally here—that shouldn’t have caused any kind of severe toilet training delays. Our 2020 baby was a bit delayed socially (and eventually caught up) but absent some kind of disability or other external factor, 2020 babies should be potty-trained by now. So, agreed, it’s not the job of kindergarten teachers to potty train and it would be weird to say covid is responsible for a five-year-old in diapers.
I have to wonder to what degree the article was sensationalizing anecdata from teachers to make a point about “lockdown” instead of presenting anything substantial—or presenting existing issues unrelated to the pandemic. People have been complaining about “lazy parents/naughty kids these days” for generations. In particular, potty training at later ages has been an ongoing trend for decades. In 1957, 92% of children were potty trained before 18 months. In 1999, only 4% of children were potty trained by age two, let alone eighteen months. I’m not convinced that “lots” of kids are showing up to kindergarten still in diapers, though. Even the viral kindergarten teacher stories about diapers are generally just referring to one or two kids in a class, not the entire class. The delayed potty training, given that it’s been going on for a long time, is probably multifaceted. Disposable diapers today are better at doing their job than the flimsy cloth diapers of the 50s, and more convenient to change. Kids were also subject to harsher parenting styles in the 50s than today, and I’m fairly certain lots of kids who were potty trained before age two were incentivized with some degree of punishment (not advocating for that, by the way.) Meanwhile today, not only are parents reluctant to punish children for failing to use the potty (which might accomplish the task faster, but won’t be good for the child) but there’s a whole new taboo about incentivizing kids via rewards, which is basically how me, my siblings, and every adult I know was potty trained. Stickers, chocolate, whatever—all of that is verboten now. I distinctly recall seeing a mom on Reddit who opposed toilet training in favor of “intuitive toilet learning” (*laughs nervously* what the fuck) said it was “emotional abuse” to reward children for bodily functions. By the way, her kid was five and still in pull-ups. Perhaps this is just something that’s happening in the weird, over-therapized, neurotic circles I run in, but anyway, I’ll agree that it’s not a teacher’s job to potty train your kids. I just also don’t think this is a lockdown/pandemic thing, unless you count “parents spent more time on social media during the pandemic, which repeatedly told them it was emotional abuse to reward poops with jelly beans.”
And as for millennial parents being uniquely lazy, you could argue that there is a trend of us being overly neurotic, too reliant on screens, or too permissive, but there’s really no evidence to suggest we don’t spend enough quality time with our kids. Parents today, including working parents, spend significantly more time with their kids than stay-at-home moms in prior decades. Perhaps we are doing something wrong and that’s to blame for an increase in various childhood behavioral issues, but I don’t think “not spending time with our kids” is the main culprit.
I also noticed a contradiction in some of the statements on the topic of pandemic parenting, which is that the following things cannot all be true simultaneously:
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