She's Probably Not "Delaying Marriage."
Marriage and kids aren't the default anymore--they take work to make happen, especially by a certain age. So why do we assume single childless women are intentionally delaying?
You’ve probably all heard it from people in my general blogosphere—people (mostly women) need to marry earlier if they want to have more children. Ergo, they need to stop delaying marriage. Relatively unserious Twitter accounts will post photos of smiling blonde Mormon families and instruct their followers to “get married and have babies,” as if this were something they had been actively refusing to do despite constant opportunities. Especially if the target is a woman, it’s assumed that she could get married whenever she wants (and it would make her eternally happy) but for some insane reason she’s choosing to “do spreadsheets” or something.
This reminds me of another phenomenon: sometimes, I’ll watch historical period pieces, usually produced with a feminist slant, and if they feature a female character there will be a point where she has to decide between following her boring, default life path of “staying here, getting married and having kids” versus doing some extraordinary thing that deviates from this expected path—becoming a masked assassin, fighting in the Revolutionary War while doing man-drag in a cunty tricorn hat, I don’t know. Either way: it’s assumed that marriage and motherhood just happen to a woman—that in the absence of any deliberate choice to resist these things, that’s what will occur. She will wake up one day, suddenly married with kids, if not against her will then without any effort on her part. And yes, there have been times or cultures where this was the reality, often for the worse (see: arranged child marriages) but this is not how the Western world works today.
In this day and age, the path of least resistance—the default—is being alone. If you do absolutely nothing, you will make as few connections as possible (including romantic and platonic connections.) I’m reminded of a single religious woman in her thirties I knew, who basically never left her home and didn’t use dating apps, because “Jesus will bring a husband to me,” as if Jesus was the Instacart of Men. (Singing: King of Kings, and Instacart of Men) Perhaps, once upon a time, “Jesus” (in the form of her church community, family and friends) would push her toward various suiters. But this was not the case for her! Even the church she attended was mostly elderly people, and nobody was terribly invested in her love life, and men did not approach her.
Today, there is no community of nosey aunties begging to set you up with their friend’s eligible son or daughter, no neighbors who repeatedly drop by at your house for a cup of tea who will materialize into friends without much effort. To put it mildly, Seinfeld’s Kramer would be the subject of a restraining order. Marriage is no longer an economic necessity for women. If anything, more educated and affluent women are more likely to get married than their less educated, poorer counterparts who arguably have a stronger need for a provider. Even if most people get married, marriage is not the default anymore—it’s something people must work to achieve. Yes, even women.
If a person is from a liberal or secular culture and they want marriage and kids on a more conservative-coded timeline (aka: the norm from twenty years ago) achieving this will be pretty difficult. It is not as simple as “get married and have babies.” I would know—I was a liberal, educated, secular coastal elitist who started strategizing for marriage at eighteen.
