Many Such Takes: Parent Sex, Beef Tallow vs. edtwt, Lana Del Rey's Swamp BF and More

The most unhinged discourse of the week, always free

Welcome to Many Such Takes! I stay up to date with the latest and most chaotic Twitter discourse so you don’t have to. If you see yourself featured here and you don’t like it, simply send me a Substack message and I will happily remove, no matter who you are or what you said.

Parent Sex

Every now and then, you see a take on Twitter that’s so perfect for discourse that you almost have to admire the artistry. That’s exactly what happened a while back (last year I think?) when this tweet graced my timeline:

This hits me on a personal level because I’m a mom who occasionally has sex (shockingly, in my own home.) On one such occasion, our baby was asleep and my husband plopped our four-year-old in front of his favorite movie for five minutes. Within…maybe 10 seconds of us getting busy, we heard our four-year-old shouting “Daddy, Daddy, come quick!” Believing this to be some kind of emergency, my husband got dressed and ran to help him. But as it turned out, the “emergency” was that this peapod toy character was on the screen:

But anyway, I believe this tweet originally came about because an influencer had posted a (fairly tasteless) video of her consoling her daughter who was crying about hearing “screaming” from the room next door while her parents had sex. Honestly, a terrible video for several reasons. First of all, it was probably staged. Second of all, extremely embarrassing for the kid. Third, once you’re an adult you really need to stop finding excuses to brag about how Sex you are. Plus, if your kid is next door sleeping, you should be quiet. But one thing I wouldn’t say is that the mother in question was a pedophile and abuser for having consensual sex with her husband in the same home as her child, who was supposed to be sleeping. Unfortunately, a contingent of “sex negative zoomers” popped up on Twitter to accuse the mom of child abuse and pedophilia. I cannot stress this enough: open the schools!

Anyway, this tweet came up yet again because the OP referenced it as a response to a thread asking Twitter users which tweet they got “chewed up” for. And you know what? I have to respect it a little. He does not regret the tweet by any means, but he’s willing to laugh about the whole ordeal at least a little bit. Also, some of his later tweets indicate that his position is far more reasonable than “parents shouldn’t have sex in their own homes.” It sounds like the entire ordeal could have been avoided had this lede not been buried. The lede in question? “Just don’t be extremely loud.” Alternatively, it’s possible he’s backtracking a bit. Either way, it’s funny and I’m happy to give this the attention he’s requesting!

I later saw this tweet in response to the whole discourse, which shockingly came from an adult:

Look, I get that imagining your parents getting it on is pretty gross, but there has to be some middle ground between “filming my kids’ reaction to my sexcapades for Internet clout” and “renting a Holiday Inn room every time I want to get my back blown out by the father of my children.” This discourse went off the rails as more and more people spoke out about the “lifelong trauma” of having overheard their parents having sex.

But hey, we got some sane ideas too:

Beef Tallow vs. edtwt Throwdown

For those of you unfamiliar with Veronica, I wrote about her in a previous edition of Many Such Takes, when she fearmongered about scented body wash causing infertility. At the time, I wasn’t on her side but I started coming around when she defended the use of hiring help for a baby in order to get a full night sleep—a brave choice on right wing Twitter, where women’s main role is not to be a mother but to be a martyr.

And, well, I kinda like Veronica now?

It all started when someone on edtwt (also known as “eating disorder Twitter- yes, this is real”) posted a thread full of unhealthy and dangerous advice to get a “VS model physique.” What is this, 2009? Typically I don’t make fun of edtwt because a lot of them are underage and suffering from a life-threatening mental illness. But one important thing to consider about them is that frequently they engage in body-shaming circlejerks, including the absurd hashtag #meanspo. But given that these people are dealing with enough, I’m not going to get into who posted what on this end of things. Veronica, however, can take the publicity. This is what she said in response to the thread:

R-slur aside, Veronica makes a point. There’s nothing patriotic or feminine about being sickly and frail. Granted, I’m not sure if shame is going to help people suffering from eating disorders, but as Veronica has mentioned recovering from an ED in the past, it’s nice to see someone celebrating eating a nutritious, calorie-rich diet. She went a step further to infuriate the fat-shaming crowd by asserting that a high BMI is actually healthy after all:

Right-wing Twitter meets Healthy At Every Size? Never thought I’d see the day!

Also, for anyone reading this: you are about to read the phrase “rose marmalade-filled tallow fried doughnut.” Well, you just did, but you’ll read it again:

Lana Del Rey Swamp Boyfriend

Well, this week Twitter got a glimpse of Lana Del Rey’s boyfriend and chat…uhh…it’s giving “rioted on January 6.”

Apparently, she’s dating a “swamp boat captain” from Louisiana. Okay!

He also happens to be a Republican. Personally, I’m shocked. Does this guy look like a Republican to you?

This discourse drove one Twitter user to conduct an elaborate hoax in which this man was her father:

I’ll be honest. At this point I kind of believed her? I mean, crazier things have happened. But as it turns out:

But wait! Turns out…they might never have even been dating? Supposedly Lana Del Rey not only debunked the Twitter thread by the phony daughter, but also (questionably, without context) says she isn’t even dating this guy:

Given that many folks were criticizing Lana Del Rey for being a secret right-winger as a result of this maybe-fake relationship, some Twitter users needed to remind everyone of this gem from a few years back:

I think everyone is bored.

Creepy Mouth Tape Patrick Bateman

Welcome to Hustle Twitter, where I almost never venture, even by accident. This week, a video of a beef organ supplement entrepreneur’s morning routine went viral, and I’m happy to inform you that it begins with a blindfold and…mouth tape?

This guy is really giving Veronica a run for her money. Where the fuck is the tallow, Colin?

Anyway, reactions to his morning routine ranged from distaste over how sterile and lonely it all was, likening him to Patrick Bateman of American Psycho, to calling him a wimp for needing mouth tape and fancy coffee to “survive.”

I’m going to say what nobody else was brave enough to say: his cold plunge strategy was totally wrong. He lifted weights before his cold plunge, which is the exact opposite of what you want to do. I know I’ve just exposed myself as a secret member of this very obnoxious cohort, but…just saying.

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