Manly Men Must Defend America from Princess Movies

A guest post from a manly man

In light of the recent controversy about “woke” Snow White, what follows is a guest post from a very masculine American man who wants to sound the alarm over such dangers:

I’m a red-blooded American man. I hold traditional American values—like individualism, the value of hard work, and of course, freedom of speech (specifically with regard to my favorite slurs—don’t get it twisted, libtards.)

I believe it is my duty to defend our country from all threats foreign and domestic (or the insidious category “domestic but vaguely foreign-sounding.” No American should have to figure out what an “uni shooter” is.) Of all the dangers I monitor on a daily, if not hourly, basis, there is one so menacing that I can’t overstate its terror: movies for little girls about pretty princesses.

I—and other masculine men—have been thanklessly fighting this fight for years. We fought against the, frankly, overt feminist propaganda in Frozen. We didn’t sit idly back and watch while you changed the canonical Little Mermaid into a Black woman—we complained, loudly. We noticed when the establishment attempted to trick us with Wicked by casting Ariana Grande as a White woman even though everyone knows she is Latina (or should I say for you pansies: LatinX.) Time and time again, our treasured media—namely, movies for little girls—have gone woke. And we won’t stand for it.

You might be sitting there asking me, “What is it this time?” just like all my relatives at Thanksgiving last year when I started talking about the lumbering physique of oafish behemoth Moana in Moana 2, who I was hoping would be lithe and buxom. And the answer to your question contains a type of precipitation and ostensibly my favorite race: Snow White.