It’s OK To Be A Mother's Day Prima Donna

You probably aren’t even being that much of a diva

Normally, Sunday is for Many Such Takes, my free weekly Internet drama segment, but today, it’s Mother’s Day, so Many Such Takes will be published tomorrow. Stay tuned!

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Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

This is my fifth Mother’s Day. My mom never made a huge deal of the holiday when we were growing up (my dad would get her a present, but celebrations certainly didn’t take over the weekend.) One time, she attempted to have a Mother’s Day brunch at a fancy restaurant, but my brother (then a baby) threw up all over her, and I vaguely recall the whole thing being a disaster.

I never thought I’d make a big deal out of Mother’s Day, but when I finally became a mom, I had suffered through several Mother’s Days that brought on feelings of sadness, anxiety and inadequacy—a few because I wanted to start trying and my husband wasn’t ready yet, and then two because we were trying and struggling to get pregnant. Mother’s Day seemed like a big, fluffy, floral VIP party and I wasn’t invited. At this point, I realized that once I finally got that sparkly pink invitation, I would make the most of it.

Ever since then, I’ve made a few things very clear with my husband:

1. Mother’s Day is a very big deal to me. I want to celebrate all weekend.

2. It’s not a “gift” holiday to me, but it is a “plan surprising and fun activities that I would enjoy” holiday. An example would be lunch at my favorite restaurant, or taking the whole family to one of my favorite gardens or museums. He’s also more than welcome to give me a massage.

3. I typically like for him to take both children (or take the older child while the younger one sleeps) so that I can spend a few hours on my sewing or writing.

4. I will return the favor for Father’s Day—he also gets the full weekend loaded with his favorite activities, and I often sew him a gift.

5. I usually also give him a two-week notice because Mother’s Day isn’t always the same day. Plus, he’s literally neurodivergent.

If you’re going to be a Mother’s Day Prima Donna like me, you have to set expectations. You cannot sit idly by and assume that your spouse will magically know what you want. Moreover, if you pretend not to care about Mother’s Day, you shouldn’t be surprised when your spouse takes you at your word. So while you might hate me for being a diva about the whole thing, let me be clear and confirm there are no covert contracts. Zero passive aggression. I’m just honest: this is a big deal to me, and I want to be celebrated all weekend.

For some insane reason, years ago I admitted that I felt this way on Reddit of all places. Reddit hates nothing more than a combination of a woman (especially a mom,) gifts or parties, and the woman expecting to be celebrated (the only thing worse would be if the woman was a religious Christian and discussing her—gasp—wedding.) My comment did not go well. Apparently, the expectation for moms is that we should feel that “every day” is Mother’s Day (it obviously isn’t) and that the greatest gift of all is being with our kids (I mean, yes, but also, can we be with our kids at a location we especially enjoy?) I couldn’t help but think that Mother’s Day was suffering from the same obnoxious pick-me-ism that plagues things like weddings and marriage proposals. You know, the whole, “I’m so down to Earth, I want him to propose with a slice of pizza!” thing. “I’m such a dedicated mother, I don’t even want Mother’s Day! I don’t want anything to be about me, only my kids!” Come on, don’t be a pick-me-ass-mom! Anyway, Reddit swiftly informed me that I was an emotionally abusive narcissist, like all of their moms were.

I understand not everyone enjoys being the center of attention. Maybe there really is a woman out there who genuinely wanted a pizza-based proposal, or who was happy to spend only $500 on her wedding so her husband could beef up his Funko Pop collection. Who am I to make sweeping generalizations? But if there’s anything I know about mothers, it’s that many of us feel deeply uncomfortable prioritizing ourselves, especially within the context of being a mom. Mother’s Day is the one day (or in my case, weekend) when we should be able to do this without feeling guilty, or hedging everything so we don’t seem demanding. Perhaps for some moms who have loads of help, and are able to treat themselves much more often, it’s less of a big deal. But for the moms in the trenches—both working moms and SAHMs or moms who do a combination of both—we deserve a day where we are unburdened by fears of being too demanding, or “making it about us.”

It also felt a bit like the whole “Karen” thing.