I'm Calling for a Ban on Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Until we can figure out what the hell is going on

Photo by Oleg Sergeichik on Unsplash

Taylor Swift’s latest album—about which, by the way, I deserve credit for not writing a dreaded “thinkpiece”—included a song called Eldest Daughter. We don’t need to talk about Taylor Swift too much here, but her song sparked a resurgence of content about “Eldest Daughter Syndrome,” which Cleveland Clinic warns is not a real psychological diagnosis but rather a colloquial term used for a phenomenon wherein eldest daughters are tasked with developmentally inappropriate responsibilities, high standards, and usually some degree of unfair gendered expectations (for example, being a “second mother” to the younger siblings.)

Before anyone comes at me with their own experiences and why I’m being horribly invalidating and glib: yes, I admit this is a real phenomenon, notably in certain cultures or in very large families (I would venture the oldest Duggar girls could teach a course on this). But a great portion of the people I see talking about this issue most vocally are women like, well, Taylor Swift—well-off white American women with one or two siblings and no extenuating circumstances, like an incapacitated drug-addicted parent. Some of these women aren’t even the eldest child, just technically the eldest daughter, so already we have a “syndrome” that applies to the majority of women—basically any woman who didn’t have an older sister. And now, Instagram is aflutter with spuriously-credentialed therapists claiming to “specialize” in Eldest Daughter Syndrome, which again, is not a psychological condition. I knew things were getting especially out of hand when I mentioned this in Many Such Takes yesterday, and a commenter mentioned someone telling them their toddler daughter (currently an only child) was at risk of Eldest Daughter Syndrome.

So yes, Eldest Daughter Syndrome describes a real thing (albeit not a real condition) that happens sometimes to some people. But like many other Instagram/TikTok pop therapy terms like “child of emotionally immature parent” or “former gifted child,” which also might technically be real for some, “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” seeks to fill a very comfortable hole—a narrative where all of your problems can be explained by other people wronging you, your own positive attributes (like being a perfectionist and people-pleaser) and the only negative attributes you have are things that are actually positive, like not thinking of yourself enough or not speaking up for yourself. It’s basically the non-job-interview version of “my biggest weakness is hyperfocusing on new product launches that really excite me and not taking enough PTO.”