I Gentle Parent Because I'm Scared of My Kids Hating Me

At least I admit it!

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

The other day, a Substacker I like,

Kryptogal (Kate, if you like)

posted a note asking why anyone would choose gentle parenting as opposed to a more old-school strict (but still loving) approach. As an example, she gave the suggestion that dads respond to tantrums by yelling “stop screaming” in a “scary dad voice.” I responded with embarrassing honesty: I generally abide by gentle parenting guidelines because I’m afraid that if I don’t, my kids could go no-contact with me later, or at the very least, resent me and dread Thanksgiving. I am terrified that a punishment or loud/stern show of frustration that seems minor to me could be a pivotal core memory that later resurfaces in therapy. It doesn’t matter if the punishment or reaction was perfectly reasonable in a moment of frustration, or appropriate for the naughty behavior—what if that’s not how my kids remember it?

I know this sounds paranoid, and I feel the need to disclose that I do have OCD and I worry about all sorts of batshit things, so yes, I am crazy, but hear me out because I’m pretty sure I’m right in spite of being mentally ill.

All it takes is one subpar, not-really-a-psychologist therapist who needs a good reason to poke around in a patient’s brain to keep them coming back for more. Maybe they’re touching on something real but exaggerated, or maybe they’re doing the modern-day version of Satanic panic false memories. All it takes is one TikTok series about "ways you could have been emotionally neglected and not know it.” For better or worse, I have made it my mission to eliminate (or at least drastically reduce) the amount of negative memories my kids could have of me.