I Asked My Haters to Critique My "Worst" Outfit

The cropped suit that got out of hand

Another Fashion Friday is upon us! If you’re new and not a fan of fashion: don’t worry, this is just a weekly thing, and every day except Friday is something else. If you’re new and you like fashion, buckle up because this is going to be fun!

Every now and then, I posted my outfits on Twitter. I don’t really know why I do it—it’s probably multifaceted. On the one hand, I just like to get compliments, especially from people who care about fashion. On the other hand, I sort of want fashion advice and constructive criticism from those same people, regardless of whether or not I take the advice. But also, I think I just really love fashion and enjoy showing people the clothes I like, regardless of what they think. I don’t see many people outside my family, so posting my outfits to Twitter is my 35-year-old version of how I used to prance around my high school in my coolest new Urban Outfitters faded tee with ‘80s Elmo on it, waiting for someone to say it was cool and ironic.

I think I’ve established that it’s really hard to offend me about my fashion sense or my body, and I frequently ask Twitter to veto things I’m thinking of buying (I suspect my husband is using hundreds of burner accounts to discourage me from buying new shoes.) So it goes without saying that my outfits are up for debate among the seasoned haters on Twitter.

What I’ve noticed is that the haters are almost guaranteed to appear no matter what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing something weird or unique, people will jump in to tell me it’s ugly. If I’m attempting some kind of high-fashion thing where the aesthetics rise above making me look good (in all fairness, I almost never do this) someone will jump in to inform me that it’s unflattering and ugly. If I dress to look sexy for my husband, people will tell me I’m a slut who is pandering to the boring and predictable male gaze. And if I wear something that could only universally be considered “pretty and flattering” the high fashion people will say I look like a basic millennial from 2015 and I’ve failed to serve adequate levels of cunt.

But I’ve noticed that almost nobody actually has ideas for what I should wear instead. So when the below outfit (which I should clarify, is from the designer Self Portrait, not something I sewed) got ripped apart on Twitter last week—and it really got way out of hand—I had to ask all my haters, “Okay, how would YOU dress me instead, smart guy?”

They delivered.

But first, here’s why they hated the outfit.