FREE: Manly Men Must Defend America from Princess Movies

The biggest threat facing America? Movies for little girls.

Hi! I wrote this earlier this week for paid subscribers only, but as is the tradition every Saturday now, I’m making it available to everyone. Normally I do this with older articles, but this one was fun and didn’t reach as many people as I’d like.

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In light of the recent controversy about “woke” Snow White, what follows is a guest post from a very masculine American man (aka, me doing a bit) who wants to sound the alarm over such dangers:

I’m a red-blooded American man. I hold traditional American values—like individualism, the value of hard work, and of course, freedom of speech (specifically with regard to my favorite slurs—don’t get it twisted, libtards.)

I believe it is my duty to defend our country from all threats foreign and domestic (or the insidious category “domestic but vaguely foreign-sounding.” No American should have to figure out what an “uni shooter” is.) Of all the dangers I monitor on a daily, if not hourly, basis, there is one so menacing that I can’t overstate its terror: movies for little girls about pretty princesses.

I—and other masculine men—have been thanklessly fighting this fight for years. We fought against the, frankly, overt feminist propaganda in Frozen. We didn’t sit idly back and watch while you changed the canonical Little Mermaid into a Black woman—we complained, loudly. We noticed when the establishment attempted to trick us with Wicked by casting Ariana Grande as a White woman even though everyone knows she is Latina (or should I say for you pansies: LatinX.) Time and time again, our treasured media—namely, movies for little girls—have gone woke. And we won’t stand for it.

You might be sitting there asking me, “What is it this time?” just like all my relatives at Thanksgiving last year when I started talking about the lumbering physique of oafish behemoth Moana in Moana 2, who I was hoping would be lithe and buxom. And the answer to your question contains a type of precipitation and ostensibly my favorite race: Snow White.

This movie was doomed from the start. And yes, I have been paying attention to every press release, red carpet sighting and even some fan art. Why am I angry about Snow White, you may ask? Well, the word “white” is in the name, and yet, it stars Rachel Zegler, whose last name is meant to divert me from the fact that an actual Jewish woman, Gal Gadot, plays the evil queen (credit where it’s due: Snow White correctly casts a Jew as a character with ominous, shadowy power. But my praise ends there.)

Rachel Zegler has been a problem long before this movie. Only because I don’t like her, I’ve been following her atrocious red carpet looks. Need I mention her lackluster pastel blue sequin Dior gown at the 2024 Met Gala? Of course not—any real man already knew about her fashion faux pas dating back to the Elie Saab Grecian goddess-inspired muted blush gown from the 2023 Hunger Games premiere in London. It goes without saying that her peach belted drop waist Dior gown at the Snow White premiere was just part of a longstanding pattern of fashion terrorism.

However, let’s not allow my hatred of drop-waist silhouettes to cause me to lose track of the real issue with Rachel Zegler. She is cast to play Snow “White” and yet, according to my manly man understanding of skintones (yes, I have gone to Sephora to investigate this further, and yes, I did try on some NARS foundation swatches for research, and yes, I was impressed by the buildable coverage and pore-minimizing finish) Rachel Zegler is firmly out of the “ivory” category, which would already be pushing it as the real Snow White probably uses “porcelain” or “alabaster” foundation. No, we couldn’t even get an ivory Snow White—she’s firmly neutral beige, which may as well be sienna or mahogany. It’s complete mayhem.

Just in case you thought that was the worst it got—buckle up, buttercup. The film contains people with far darker skin than Zegler, which is completely antithetical to its roots as a Germanic folktale. This is exactly like Frozen insisting on presenting Elsa as a trans lesbian. Oh, you didn’t know Elsa was a trans lesbian? Guess you weren’t looking hard enough. I’ve watched that movie forty-eight times to correctly identify Elsa’s biological sex, and I don’t even have daughters. I even saw the opening performance of Frozen on Ice just to make sure I got a glimpse of Elsa’s penis (I did, by the way.) I came back several more times and attended the meet and greet just to be sure I saw it.

But anyway, back to the horrendous bastardization of the original German fairytale. Germany in the 1700s did not have Black or Asian people in it. I was dismayed by scenes of Snow White with gratuitous, unrealistic ethnicities strewn throughout. Perhaps you aren’t familiar with the canonical events of Snow White. Like some kind of normie NPC, you’re focusing only on the “source material” of the original Disney film. But can you really call yourself a manly man if you didn’t prioritize your education around important, practical topics, like Germanic folklore?

And before you call me a racist, I have no problem with people of color in children’s media. Yes, I had major issues with the travesty of a show, Doc McStuffins, but that wasn’t because she was Black. That show sent a terrible message to young girls that they should grow up to be doctors—playing right into the hands of Big Pharma. While such a show claims to be unbiased, in all 136 episodes (yes, I watched them all) they didn’t include even one mention of colloidal silver.

Another shameful aspect of Snow White is the final dance scene, in which the DEI brigade dances in white clothing to a rainstorm of white confetti. You might be thinking, “Oh, that’s because it’s meant to represent white snow, like the title of the movie” but you’d be sorely wrong. This is an obvious nod to the infamous Diddy white parties. I don’t think any of you can really comprehend how painful it is for me to realize that an objectively superior color is now inextricably tied to the pedophile cabal. What am I going to say on my alt account, GroyperRapist1488? “Porcelain power?” Will it make sense without the NARS swatches?

This “white party” has become so normalized in our society that even some tropical destination weddings (such as the one my cousin Steve had, without telling me, I might add) have begun paying homage to Diddy in their own sick, twisted way. When I saw Steve’s photos on Facebook, I couldn’t believe my eyes—the entire wedding party was on a beachy island (Epstein vibes) wearing white linen. They even had their shoes off, sending a twisted signal to their old buddy Dan Schneider.

If not for people like me, who would defend our country? Certainly not the military, who I understand are a ragtag bunch of gluten free they/thems with nose piercings. Besides, what are they going to do, “bomb” a hostile adversary? I’ll bet none of them have even seen Barbie Princess Adventures or H2O Just Add Water, a 2006 Australian TV show about mermaids (thankfully, all three mermaids are white, although the lack of visible vulvas by way of mermaid tail inclusion has me concerned they may be trans.) But me? I’ve seen all the straight-to-streaming-service Barbie movies. I’ve even booked a brunch at the American Girl Doll Place just to make sure they weren’t caving to some woke bullshit—and yes, I was “escorted out” by some security guards who didn’t think it was appropriate for a grown man to be using skull calipers on Josefina—but that’s exactly the kind of danger I’m willing to face to keep our country safe.

So for now, the rest of you can enjoy this wonderful country you live in, protected by the secret guardians in the shadows—the grown men who read every PopCrave article about the 2027 release of Frozen 3.

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