As someone who is taking his recently bar mitzvahed son to work on a kibbutz next week, I feel compelled to chime in and say I thought your line was both funny and insightful.
We didn't know then what we know now. I remember it being odd that NYT kept pointing out not that it was shocking a Jew ran a financial fraud, but what made it notable is that he ripped of fellow Jews rather than Gentiles. They felt betrayed.
That was back when it was the Jew York Times but they've since decolonized the newsroom in favor of BIPOC presstitutes.
Now nobody reads that paywalled multi-author substack any more. I don't know what they think of Venezuela and neither do you.
I feel like a part of this is proposals, kids' bdays, and anniversaries are losing their sacred/ritualized meanings. and we compensate by spending more on the rituals to re-romanticize them
With something like a proposal, I would really hope that the couple discussed this stuff ahead of time. It is BONKERS to me that anyone buys a ring and does the one-knee proposal ritual without having had up-front discussions about how, yes, we want to get married, this is the kind of ring to get, etc. Given that, I feel like the guy should just discuss with her if she wants the proposal to be over-the-top or not. If she does, then that's something the couple can choose to spend money and time on. But to do it on your own just because your bros are seems nuts to me.
I like the idea of employing artists and musicians, but instead of a consumerist culture of people spending lots of money on themselves for luxury clothes, luxury cars, luxury vacations, luxury dining and making big celebrations out of every single life event perhaps spend a little bit less and give some to those who are in genuine need. Many highly conspicuous consumers are generous to charities, but too many are not.
And yes, I certainly hope the couple discussed their engagement prior to the proposal event!
Because the young women I know aren't into diamonds. They aren't into jewelry or advertising their status. Not all of us cis women are girly girls. I've never had a diamond and don't want one. If the guy didn't know that, he would be treating them as generic women instead of who they really are. It would be like assuming your husband wants a fishing rod because "that's something guys like" when in fact your husband prefers to play board games or tennis.
Not everyone is into romance. Some folks just talk about marriage and figure out when to do it without a formal proposal.
I'm not saying that NO guys should propose with diamonds. I'm saying you should know your person well enough to know whether they would be thrilled or nauseated by being presented with a diamond.
Interesting.. I actually couldn’t conceive that it is something as simple as that, because I didn’t think a person in love can be so completely nauseated at an attempt by their partner to display love and dedication
So I’m not sure how this would occur unless a guy is proposing to a woman who does not love him
Which is quite possible. Some guys assume things are more serious than they are and want to present the world with evidence that they have bagged a fiancé.
My wife and I never directly discussed it beforehand, but she had mentioned from even early on in the relationship that she thought almost any woman would rather have some say in the design of her engagement ring. So when I proposed I got a relatively cheap ring to serve as a prop on the day and then we got an expensive one together later.
Discussing it beforehand does kind of seem like a big anticlimax though. Like if you are already discussing that you want to get married and what ring to get, then you've already done the proposal, just in a way that's very mundane and aromantic. At that stage any getting down on one knee is just a formality that doesn't really serve any purpose.
Yes, my contention is that the "one knee" proposal is a ritual and that in fact there should be some basic agreement that you want to get married beforehand. I don't think that's the sort of question that someone should be on the spot to consider and answer on the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset with some stranger taking a video on their phone.
I don't see any real upside to there being a possibility of "no." If you are looking for some sweat, maybe consider a Vegas vacation and the craps table.
I agree. I think it's quite coercive to put someone on the spot that way. I imagine being the woman and perhaps thinking that I want to break up with the guy, but haven't decided or said that yet, and next thing you know he's popping the question in a public place. What do I do? Do I say no? Do I pretend to be happy and then return the ring the next day? Burst into tears? Run? I don't think I could pretend, and I'd feel terrible for him. Ugh, I think surprise public proposals are a terrible thing.
I think this can operate on two levels - kids and adults.
For kids, the key things to keep in mind are that YOUR kids adore you and their baseline for normal is whatever you give them. Also great to keep in mind that toys are always a million times cooler at your friend's house than at your own house. The chance to spend time in your friend's home is always great. Throw out some big paper, a few cans of play doh, keep the back door open so they can go outside, and baby you're cookin on the birthday front.
For adults comparison is the thief of joy. Pure and simple. People who become resentful for not getting the seasonal equivalent of a boo basket or shit talk another set of parents for an insufficiently bougie kids party are already in a hell of their own making and should be pitied, not feared.
Boo baskets? Really? I realize that I'm old, but Halloween is supposed to be a children's holiday - where kids in costumes wander the neighborhood extorting treats from all the adults. As an adult you didn't wear a costume, you only followed the kids around if they needed a chaperone, and your gift expectations were limited to the bourbon-based drinks one of the chaperones had in a thermos in her (or his) coat.
Having got that rant out of the way, you're dead on - there's been this arms race in the ways we celebrate events in our lives, and how we acknowledge our partners in life. It used to be, for a man, there were like 5 holidays you made an effort for: your girl's birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day (obviously), your anniversary (when you first became a couple, replaced by wedding anniversary if that happened), and Mothers Day if appropriate. And some of the best "events" - the spontaneous ones. The Waterman pen purchased for her when she gets a promotion; nobody writes seriously with pens anymore, but you want her to stand out by flashing a REAL pen amid all the dispo pen users. The backyard "picnic" when she sounds like she's having a stressful day. The "hey, I got the kids this evening. Give Traci a call and go grab some food and a couple chardonnays." Even the "dirty weekend" that she doesn't have to organize. The "because I said so" holidays. Anyway, back on topic, I remember when most of us planned our own weddings; now we need an event planner for the PROPOSAL? Really? A proposal used to be an intimiate moment in a couple's life. Then somehow it became a public event. Now, apparently it's a public event that you can't be trusted to organize. And we haven't even got to the birthday parties yet....
I think Critical Dancer hit it. There's always been a certain jockeying for validation and status in the public events in our lives - birthday parties, holiday parties, July 4th barbecues, etc. I remember that even as a child in the '60s. Increasing exposure to celebrities added fuel to that jockeying and social media tossed the match. All looking a bit "court of Louis XIV" to me...
Exacty my reaction. Had never heard of such things... makes me want to go all Maoist PRC and literally ban influencers and send them to reeducation camps.
There was a College Humor cartoon years ago that summarized the way Halloween changes as you get older - for little kids and their parents, it's about trick-or-treating and candy. For teens and childless adults, it's about partying. Most of the people doing this "boo basket" stuff are in the latter category, so yeah .... it's less that Halloween isn't a holiday for them, but it's not a gift-giving holiday, it's not about buying stuff to give to others. Trying to make it about that makes it weird, and I think is a way to legitimize the way that a lot of Halloween traditions for adults that are ostensibly about decorating your house or throwing parties have become an excuse for overconsumption (for instance, having to accessorize all your things for Halloween). But if your boyfriend bought it for you, then you're in the clear I guess???
I feel like for the most part these are legitimately not real, but something I do notice is that usually the stuff is made up of items that are pretty easily available on AliExpress/Temu. I think it's much cheaper to stage these for social media points or to generate social media engagement than a person might think if they are plugged into the cheap Chinese crap pipeline. So an influencer can put together those glamping tents for like $50 total, but if a normal person who didn't know how to get crap directly from the factories over there, tried to do it it would be $1500. They’ll likely get more than $50 in revenue from the post and if other people waste $1500 on a party that’s not their problem.
Or, things that are realistic for a photo shoot, but are not realistic for a party, like buying the pillows at the store, taking a photo, and then taking them back to the store.
I do suspect quite a lot of this is staged Influencer shit (as the earlier comment made "Bernie Maddoff" - I think Bernie Maddoffism of Gifting. Mini-scamming
I can't have pop tarts in the house because I'd eat them all. I remember the glorious feeling when I first discovered that pop tarts could be frosted. I had to find out for myself because my parents only had the unfrosted ones.
Your whole article was interesting but it made me covet pop tarts and curious to know if you recall which kind you asked for.
Telling your husband to get you the forbidden-during-pregnancy foods the moment the baby’s out is so real lol. I didn’t have GD and I don’t generally have a huge sweet tooth but I absolutely love all kinds of forbidden cheese and charcuterie so I sent my husband to the fancy deli to get me, like, Roquefort and prosciutto first thing after birth. (Incidentally, these are extremely convenient for one-handed snacking while nursing).
The first is that people crave validation, and with parents an easy way to do so – for your child and your social circle – is to throw a big, fancy party of some sort, whether it’s for a birthday or your kids’ graduation. With that in mind, some parents “go all out” to show how affluent they are, how respectable they are, and how much they love their children (also attempting to show that they love their children more than you). That’s why it’s so common to see on social media, is because they: 1)have received the validation from their immediate surroundings, but they are pits of validation and must also seek it from elsewhere, or 2) have not received the validation from their immediate surroundings – perhaps even receiving criticism or scorn – and are seeking any pittance they can of “how good a parent they are.”
To your last question about how common this is: very, in suburbia, as you surmised. I grew up in an affluent town in the Midwest (barely big enough to call a city, even for the literal definition of a city), and if the parties being held at a kid’s house weren’t tales of affluenza, the parties outside of the house definitely fit the bill. When I was ten, I watched the movie Inkheart in an empty theater filled up with all of the kids in my class at the private Catholic elementary school – the birthday boy’s parents had rented out the entire screening. And you were definitely right in your perspective that my parents had to wrangle in my expectations because of what others could afford to do, but also what was in good taste.
the push present is an entirely newer and non traditional thing. In the cases where i might have heard of them before relatively recently, it was arich person flaunting a nice piece of jewelry and push present was supposed to be a joke and you’d high five her and lol. Or maybe it was a concept in other states or regions. i had my kids 2008-10 so maybe everyone did it and didn’t talk about it? i don’t know it really does seem like a new expectation for the mass american culture
This is absolutely a thing. But then, I live in Kardashianland where every mom in the Calabasas school district feels some internal pressure to live like our royal family.
I thought boo baskets were things “kids” (in quotes because it’s really their mothers doing all the work) left on each others’ doorsteps. A little magic at the minor cost of $200 and 25 hours of mommy labor.
That’s what it seems to be around here anyway (Long Island). If it’s something adults get for each other I haven’t seen it and my wife hasn’t mentioned it.
All of this, unfortunately, is girl-driven. I agree with you that it’s basically ostentatious displays of wealth and measuring love for kids through $$ spent, but it’s all clearly on the X side of things.
The younger boys in my extended family have all done the proposal opera you described (including hiring people if needed, though nothing like $1000 - more like a friend of a friend as a photographer for $50). They clearly get into the spirit of the thing and don’t mind doing it, but I can’t imagine men would have developed this ritual if they were in charge.
But kids’ birthday parties? Lady, I want to frame your article and hand it out at school functions. And your husband is really nailing the male role in it: this is where guys need to step up and say no. What I’m seeing around here is insane, no dads are falling for it, so it’s our job to give our wives an excuse to opt out.
My wife - who generally Isn’t susceptible to this stuff - spent a month agonizing between renting a $1000 arcade and a $2500 arcade for our oldest’s 9th birthday. The correct answer was $200 at the local rec center, but after other kids in his class rented out climbing gyms and planetariums and just insane stuff that the kids neither need nor really want it gets under your skin (we went for the $1000 arcade, but the two kids coming up behind him are shit out of luck - rec center all the way from now on).
I don’t know about people in general, but this is real money for us, particularly with three kids. And we keep falling for it, or at least the bullshit “compromise” of $1000 for an arcade. You’ve got to be vigilant over your brain or it’s easy to fall for the “they’re only turning 5, 6, 7, 8, 13, 15 once” lunacy over and over and suddenly its community college for all.
Yes : and recalling the future expense of college or alt. some expensive tech training should be high on minds. I for one can't for the life of me recall more than maybe 1 or 2 b-day parties in my 18 yrs chez the parents.... so yeah, only once but then June 1970 only occured once :^))
Parties, chez us or at a public venue that's not 4 digits! College, even SUNY, is going to be the real memory.
This is so interesting to me and now it’s got me thinking about all the fancy parties I’ve been to that feel too fancy to even enjoy other than like an aesthetic appreciation… in all this work where is the joy! All that’s left of the perfect social media primed event is the twice removed joy of feeling perceived in a way you have properly orchestrated … yikes
On the birthday party front... We had a party at our house with "laser tag" and let them decorate their own cupcakes. I was told it was "the best birthday party ever" by attendees. Lol. Kids do not care about fancy!
I can't speak to the boo baskets or anything, but in my suburban circles, birthday parties end up being something along the lines of "renting Chuck E Cheese for 2 hours, party favors, pizza & cake, and presents." Sometimes people will go a little bit harder on it and do something like a pirate cruise, but for the most part they are really nice because it's one of the only opportunities that the parents get to meet with the families that their children spend all day with, and it's a great way to make parent friends that can really relate to your life with children. We always invite everyone we can to the birthday parties of the kids, because it's how we collect contact information of kids at school or daycare or church that we might be able to become friends with as a family. 80 people are coming to the one next week... which sounds like a lot... but it's the kids from school, church, family and college friends. You can basically just rent a big warehouse with some kid-friendly art installations to let the kids run around and color and bang on things. In the summer we do basically the same thing at a park, because one of the really special things about a wedding or a birthday is that it's one of the only times you get to have all of your friends in one place.
A big part of it is the expectation to turn life moments into content. Even people who aren’t trying be professions influencers feel the expectation to share their life, there’s a different pressure when your kids birthday will be judged by everyone you’ve ever met and possibly total strangers vs just the people close enough to invite.
For influencers it’s not enough to have a nice wedding anymore, they need to stretch it out with an aesthetic proposal, engagement party, bridal shower, destination bach trip, multiple dresses, getting ready outfits etc. and now that behavior has spread to normal people.
TikTok trends are the Bernie Madoff of joy.
As someone who is taking his recently bar mitzvahed son to work on a kibbutz next week, I feel compelled to chime in and say I thought your line was both funny and insightful.
I read this before seeing the below.. discussion...and became very confused til I did about how that was related to Madoff lol
That's good (although joy.... maybe Berie Madoff of gifting? anyway good one)
Watch it with the antisemitism there, Himmler!
Remember Bernie Madoff's real crime wasn't running a financial fraud, but running a financial fraud and ripping off fellow Jews.
Huh? Where in my comment did I mention Madoff being Jewish? Some of my family members are Jewish - I'm not antisemitic.
Nah, you’re fine, man. This guy talking to you is being antisemitic lol.
We didn't know then what we know now. I remember it being odd that NYT kept pointing out not that it was shocking a Jew ran a financial fraud, but what made it notable is that he ripped of fellow Jews rather than Gentiles. They felt betrayed.
That was back when it was the Jew York Times but they've since decolonized the newsroom in favor of BIPOC presstitutes.
Now nobody reads that paywalled multi-author substack any more. I don't know what they think of Venezuela and neither do you.
I feel like a part of this is proposals, kids' bdays, and anniversaries are losing their sacred/ritualized meanings. and we compensate by spending more on the rituals to re-romanticize them
With something like a proposal, I would really hope that the couple discussed this stuff ahead of time. It is BONKERS to me that anyone buys a ring and does the one-knee proposal ritual without having had up-front discussions about how, yes, we want to get married, this is the kind of ring to get, etc. Given that, I feel like the guy should just discuss with her if she wants the proposal to be over-the-top or not. If she does, then that's something the couple can choose to spend money and time on. But to do it on your own just because your bros are seems nuts to me.
The young women I know would run in the other direction if a guy got on his knee and pulled out a diamond!
What about if he spent $1k to hire a band and artist to put up decorations?
Ugh, I think they would run faster!
What about if they donated $1K to the food bank?
Hmm?
I like the idea of employing artists and musicians, but instead of a consumerist culture of people spending lots of money on themselves for luxury clothes, luxury cars, luxury vacations, luxury dining and making big celebrations out of every single life event perhaps spend a little bit less and give some to those who are in genuine need. Many highly conspicuous consumers are generous to charities, but too many are not.
And yes, I certainly hope the couple discussed their engagement prior to the proposal event!
Why?
Because the young women I know aren't into diamonds. They aren't into jewelry or advertising their status. Not all of us cis women are girly girls. I've never had a diamond and don't want one. If the guy didn't know that, he would be treating them as generic women instead of who they really are. It would be like assuming your husband wants a fishing rod because "that's something guys like" when in fact your husband prefers to play board games or tennis.
Not everyone is into romance. Some folks just talk about marriage and figure out when to do it without a formal proposal.
I'm not saying that NO guys should propose with diamonds. I'm saying you should know your person well enough to know whether they would be thrilled or nauseated by being presented with a diamond.
Interesting.. I actually couldn’t conceive that it is something as simple as that, because I didn’t think a person in love can be so completely nauseated at an attempt by their partner to display love and dedication
So I’m not sure how this would occur unless a guy is proposing to a woman who does not love him
Which is quite possible. Some guys assume things are more serious than they are and want to present the world with evidence that they have bagged a fiancé.
My wife and I never directly discussed it beforehand, but she had mentioned from even early on in the relationship that she thought almost any woman would rather have some say in the design of her engagement ring. So when I proposed I got a relatively cheap ring to serve as a prop on the day and then we got an expensive one together later.
Discussing it beforehand does kind of seem like a big anticlimax though. Like if you are already discussing that you want to get married and what ring to get, then you've already done the proposal, just in a way that's very mundane and aromantic. At that stage any getting down on one knee is just a formality that doesn't really serve any purpose.
Yes, my contention is that the "one knee" proposal is a ritual and that in fact there should be some basic agreement that you want to get married beforehand. I don't think that's the sort of question that someone should be on the spot to consider and answer on the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset with some stranger taking a video on their phone.
I don't see any real upside to there being a possibility of "no." If you are looking for some sweat, maybe consider a Vegas vacation and the craps table.
I agree. I think it's quite coercive to put someone on the spot that way. I imagine being the woman and perhaps thinking that I want to break up with the guy, but haven't decided or said that yet, and next thing you know he's popping the question in a public place. What do I do? Do I say no? Do I pretend to be happy and then return the ring the next day? Burst into tears? Run? I don't think I could pretend, and I'd feel terrible for him. Ugh, I think surprise public proposals are a terrible thing.
The ritual is fine! It should not be the first time the topic comes up! It should not be a question with an uncertain answer!
I think this can operate on two levels - kids and adults.
For kids, the key things to keep in mind are that YOUR kids adore you and their baseline for normal is whatever you give them. Also great to keep in mind that toys are always a million times cooler at your friend's house than at your own house. The chance to spend time in your friend's home is always great. Throw out some big paper, a few cans of play doh, keep the back door open so they can go outside, and baby you're cookin on the birthday front.
For adults comparison is the thief of joy. Pure and simple. People who become resentful for not getting the seasonal equivalent of a boo basket or shit talk another set of parents for an insufficiently bougie kids party are already in a hell of their own making and should be pitied, not feared.
Boo baskets? Really? I realize that I'm old, but Halloween is supposed to be a children's holiday - where kids in costumes wander the neighborhood extorting treats from all the adults. As an adult you didn't wear a costume, you only followed the kids around if they needed a chaperone, and your gift expectations were limited to the bourbon-based drinks one of the chaperones had in a thermos in her (or his) coat.
Having got that rant out of the way, you're dead on - there's been this arms race in the ways we celebrate events in our lives, and how we acknowledge our partners in life. It used to be, for a man, there were like 5 holidays you made an effort for: your girl's birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day (obviously), your anniversary (when you first became a couple, replaced by wedding anniversary if that happened), and Mothers Day if appropriate. And some of the best "events" - the spontaneous ones. The Waterman pen purchased for her when she gets a promotion; nobody writes seriously with pens anymore, but you want her to stand out by flashing a REAL pen amid all the dispo pen users. The backyard "picnic" when she sounds like she's having a stressful day. The "hey, I got the kids this evening. Give Traci a call and go grab some food and a couple chardonnays." Even the "dirty weekend" that she doesn't have to organize. The "because I said so" holidays. Anyway, back on topic, I remember when most of us planned our own weddings; now we need an event planner for the PROPOSAL? Really? A proposal used to be an intimiate moment in a couple's life. Then somehow it became a public event. Now, apparently it's a public event that you can't be trusted to organize. And we haven't even got to the birthday parties yet....
I think Critical Dancer hit it. There's always been a certain jockeying for validation and status in the public events in our lives - birthday parties, holiday parties, July 4th barbecues, etc. I remember that even as a child in the '60s. Increasing exposure to celebrities added fuel to that jockeying and social media tossed the match. All looking a bit "court of Louis XIV" to me...
Exacty my reaction. Had never heard of such things... makes me want to go all Maoist PRC and literally ban influencers and send them to reeducation camps.
There was a College Humor cartoon years ago that summarized the way Halloween changes as you get older - for little kids and their parents, it's about trick-or-treating and candy. For teens and childless adults, it's about partying. Most of the people doing this "boo basket" stuff are in the latter category, so yeah .... it's less that Halloween isn't a holiday for them, but it's not a gift-giving holiday, it's not about buying stuff to give to others. Trying to make it about that makes it weird, and I think is a way to legitimize the way that a lot of Halloween traditions for adults that are ostensibly about decorating your house or throwing parties have become an excuse for overconsumption (for instance, having to accessorize all your things for Halloween). But if your boyfriend bought it for you, then you're in the clear I guess???
I feel like for the most part these are legitimately not real, but something I do notice is that usually the stuff is made up of items that are pretty easily available on AliExpress/Temu. I think it's much cheaper to stage these for social media points or to generate social media engagement than a person might think if they are plugged into the cheap Chinese crap pipeline. So an influencer can put together those glamping tents for like $50 total, but if a normal person who didn't know how to get crap directly from the factories over there, tried to do it it would be $1500. They’ll likely get more than $50 in revenue from the post and if other people waste $1500 on a party that’s not their problem.
Or, things that are realistic for a photo shoot, but are not realistic for a party, like buying the pillows at the store, taking a photo, and then taking them back to the store.
I do suspect quite a lot of this is staged Influencer shit (as the earlier comment made "Bernie Maddoff" - I think Bernie Maddoffism of Gifting. Mini-scamming
Such good points! Thank you for writing this necessary article. Crossing my fingers that the chronically online peeps see it.
I can't have pop tarts in the house because I'd eat them all. I remember the glorious feeling when I first discovered that pop tarts could be frosted. I had to find out for myself because my parents only had the unfrosted ones.
Your whole article was interesting but it made me covet pop tarts and curious to know if you recall which kind you asked for.
I believe it was s'mores, cherry or raspberry! still my favorites.
Brown sugar/cinnamon is the ONLY Pop Tart...
Telling your husband to get you the forbidden-during-pregnancy foods the moment the baby’s out is so real lol. I didn’t have GD and I don’t generally have a huge sweet tooth but I absolutely love all kinds of forbidden cheese and charcuterie so I sent my husband to the fancy deli to get me, like, Roquefort and prosciutto first thing after birth. (Incidentally, these are extremely convenient for one-handed snacking while nursing).
I feel like there are two things happening here.
The first is that people crave validation, and with parents an easy way to do so – for your child and your social circle – is to throw a big, fancy party of some sort, whether it’s for a birthday or your kids’ graduation. With that in mind, some parents “go all out” to show how affluent they are, how respectable they are, and how much they love their children (also attempting to show that they love their children more than you). That’s why it’s so common to see on social media, is because they: 1)have received the validation from their immediate surroundings, but they are pits of validation and must also seek it from elsewhere, or 2) have not received the validation from their immediate surroundings – perhaps even receiving criticism or scorn – and are seeking any pittance they can of “how good a parent they are.”
To your last question about how common this is: very, in suburbia, as you surmised. I grew up in an affluent town in the Midwest (barely big enough to call a city, even for the literal definition of a city), and if the parties being held at a kid’s house weren’t tales of affluenza, the parties outside of the house definitely fit the bill. When I was ten, I watched the movie Inkheart in an empty theater filled up with all of the kids in my class at the private Catholic elementary school – the birthday boy’s parents had rented out the entire screening. And you were definitely right in your perspective that my parents had to wrangle in my expectations because of what others could afford to do, but also what was in good taste.
the push present is an entirely newer and non traditional thing. In the cases where i might have heard of them before relatively recently, it was arich person flaunting a nice piece of jewelry and push present was supposed to be a joke and you’d high five her and lol. Or maybe it was a concept in other states or regions. i had my kids 2008-10 so maybe everyone did it and didn’t talk about it? i don’t know it really does seem like a new expectation for the mass american culture
Thank you! I read this and was shocked to see the "push present" called out as an exception to the rule.
This is absolutely a thing. But then, I live in Kardashianland where every mom in the Calabasas school district feels some internal pressure to live like our royal family.
I thought boo baskets were things “kids” (in quotes because it’s really their mothers doing all the work) left on each others’ doorsteps. A little magic at the minor cost of $200 and 25 hours of mommy labor.
That’s what it seems to be around here anyway (Long Island). If it’s something adults get for each other I haven’t seen it and my wife hasn’t mentioned it.
All of this, unfortunately, is girl-driven. I agree with you that it’s basically ostentatious displays of wealth and measuring love for kids through $$ spent, but it’s all clearly on the X side of things.
The younger boys in my extended family have all done the proposal opera you described (including hiring people if needed, though nothing like $1000 - more like a friend of a friend as a photographer for $50). They clearly get into the spirit of the thing and don’t mind doing it, but I can’t imagine men would have developed this ritual if they were in charge.
But kids’ birthday parties? Lady, I want to frame your article and hand it out at school functions. And your husband is really nailing the male role in it: this is where guys need to step up and say no. What I’m seeing around here is insane, no dads are falling for it, so it’s our job to give our wives an excuse to opt out.
My wife - who generally Isn’t susceptible to this stuff - spent a month agonizing between renting a $1000 arcade and a $2500 arcade for our oldest’s 9th birthday. The correct answer was $200 at the local rec center, but after other kids in his class rented out climbing gyms and planetariums and just insane stuff that the kids neither need nor really want it gets under your skin (we went for the $1000 arcade, but the two kids coming up behind him are shit out of luck - rec center all the way from now on).
I don’t know about people in general, but this is real money for us, particularly with three kids. And we keep falling for it, or at least the bullshit “compromise” of $1000 for an arcade. You’ve got to be vigilant over your brain or it’s easy to fall for the “they’re only turning 5, 6, 7, 8, 13, 15 once” lunacy over and over and suddenly its community college for all.
Yes : and recalling the future expense of college or alt. some expensive tech training should be high on minds. I for one can't for the life of me recall more than maybe 1 or 2 b-day parties in my 18 yrs chez the parents.... so yeah, only once but then June 1970 only occured once :^))
Parties, chez us or at a public venue that's not 4 digits! College, even SUNY, is going to be the real memory.
This is so interesting to me and now it’s got me thinking about all the fancy parties I’ve been to that feel too fancy to even enjoy other than like an aesthetic appreciation… in all this work where is the joy! All that’s left of the perfect social media primed event is the twice removed joy of feeling perceived in a way you have properly orchestrated … yikes
On the birthday party front... We had a party at our house with "laser tag" and let them decorate their own cupcakes. I was told it was "the best birthday party ever" by attendees. Lol. Kids do not care about fancy!
I can't speak to the boo baskets or anything, but in my suburban circles, birthday parties end up being something along the lines of "renting Chuck E Cheese for 2 hours, party favors, pizza & cake, and presents." Sometimes people will go a little bit harder on it and do something like a pirate cruise, but for the most part they are really nice because it's one of the only opportunities that the parents get to meet with the families that their children spend all day with, and it's a great way to make parent friends that can really relate to your life with children. We always invite everyone we can to the birthday parties of the kids, because it's how we collect contact information of kids at school or daycare or church that we might be able to become friends with as a family. 80 people are coming to the one next week... which sounds like a lot... but it's the kids from school, church, family and college friends. You can basically just rent a big warehouse with some kid-friendly art installations to let the kids run around and color and bang on things. In the summer we do basically the same thing at a park, because one of the really special things about a wedding or a birthday is that it's one of the only times you get to have all of your friends in one place.
A big part of it is the expectation to turn life moments into content. Even people who aren’t trying be professions influencers feel the expectation to share their life, there’s a different pressure when your kids birthday will be judged by everyone you’ve ever met and possibly total strangers vs just the people close enough to invite.
For influencers it’s not enough to have a nice wedding anymore, they need to stretch it out with an aesthetic proposal, engagement party, bridal shower, destination bach trip, multiple dresses, getting ready outfits etc. and now that behavior has spread to normal people.