Conversations with the Incel-Adjacent: Part 1
I spoke with people who consider themselves involuntarily celibate, but not hateful. Listen to what they have to say.
Welcome to the CHH Conversations series- I’m aiming to do one a week, detailing a person (or people) who belong to an interesting group which is either part of the current zeitgeist, typically unheard, or just something I find super interesting. Note that my interviewing someone doesn’t mean I agree with them or approve of what they say—in fact, I may strongly disagree with many of the people I interview! I do, however, appreciate that anyone gave me any amount of their time, so be nice.
In this piece, everyone described themselves and we used those prompts to generate DALLE images of them.
In this conversation, I reached out to people (I was open to all genders, orientations, etc. but most respondents were straight men) who considered themselves “incel adjacent.” This means they are not necessarily virgins or never had partners, but they are struggling to get dates or meet people and are generally “involuntarily celibate” in the literal sense, as opposed to “incels” who are usually associated with a specific Internet subculture that tends toward misogyny. This interview series excludes people who regularly date but can’t find a long term relationship; some degree of romantic isolation is required.
In the very near future, I will be doing a piece specifically centered around women struggling to find long-term relationships.
The folks in this piece all openly and happily bared their souls to me, treated me with respect and politeness, and I encourage anyone reading to treat them with some degree of compassion, even if they say things you disagree with.
John, 28, former software engineer studying to transition to wealth management
On his dating history:
I’ve only had 1 relationship in my life, but that was back as a high schooler, and it wasn‘t very serious, so it broke off pretty quick. I went through college all the way through grad school and couldn’t (or wouldn’t) secure even 1 romantic relationship in a school that had a 3:2 women:men ratio. That’s not a sign of lifelong failure, but I think it raises some questions about what’s up. My program wasn’t arduous—I had plenty of free time.
On his ideal partner and relationship:
My ideal romantic situation is just a lot of physical contact and compliment showering, but ideally in quiet settings. An ideal relationship would have no money issues, complete trust, and an overall positive vibe where we work together to make things happen and support each other along the way. But also: shared hobbies.
Of course, there’s also the physical characteristics: I’m just as vain on looks as the next guy, and since I do my utmost to keep myself as healthy and muscular as possible, I’d hope the same for my partner: that she’d be skinny and willing to work out with me, and I with her. I don’t actually think my expectations are what is stopping me. I just can’t flirt with women well. People think I’m aromantic or something, but I’m dispassionate a lot when not on stimulant medication (I have narcolepsy, which actually makes my dating life much more complicated than it seems at first glance, because I don’t want to go out, as I’ll fall asleep).
And I’m relationship-pilled or the “guy trying to find a wife”, btw. I’m much the same in the relationship department on needing an emotional connection. On the days when we aren’t feeling flirty, I always ask myself when I do have the occasional date with a woman I meet: could I stand being in her presence day in, day out? If the answer isn’t close to an unequivocal yes, then maybe we’re not meant to be, even if she’s a 10/10 stunning beauty.
On his ability to make non-romantic social connections:
I can make friends, but if one was to analyze the success of friendship circles by “how often do your friends text you back, ask you to hang out, things like that?”, the answer is 0%. However, when I happen to encounter people, they aren’t repulsed by my presence and treat me like a long-lost brother. This is for both men and women.
On being a single gym bro, physical attractiveness and leagues:
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