Conversation with a Guy Who Can't Orgasm

I spoke with a 33-year-old man who has only ever had a couple orgasms, and is no longer able to have them.

Welcome to the CHH Conversations series- I’m aiming to do one a week, detailing a person (or people) who belong to an interesting group which is either part of the current zeitgeist, typically unheard, or just something I find super interesting. Note that my interviewing someone doesn’t mean I agree with them or approve of what they say—in fact, I may strongly disagree with many of the people I interview! I do, however, appreciate that anyone gave me any amount of their time, so be nice.

---

Philip is a thirty-three-year-old man who can’t orgasm (the adjective for this is “anorgasmic.”) He is a security guard who identifies as gay but is open to sex with women (“Homosexuality is my orientation, not my itinerary,” he says.) He likes dancing and reading. When he reached out to chat, I immediately expected a story about SSRI side effects—and that’s something I do plan to write about at a later date—but his story is a bit different. I was pretty surprised by a lot of what he shared with me, and I think you will be too.

So first, how did you come to realize you were anorgasmic? Was it part of puberty for you?

Thank you for asking. This one is a little hard to answer. I don't remember what age I first ceased to orgasm (it was likely between thirteen and fourteen), but I better recall when I self-diagnosed myself, more or less. There was a TLC show called "Strange Sex" that lasted for two or three seasons. This was when TLC's programming was nothing but dysfunction and addiction (maybe it still is?) Anyway, one gentleman had been diagnosed with what's called PDOD (Pleasure Dissociative Orgasmic Disorder), and the symptoms, for lack of a better term, aligned exactly with mine: he was an otherwise healthy, sexually active man who could not feel the intensely pleasure able sensation known as an orgasm.

I don't condone self-diagnosis, but this moment was the first time I even conceived of my sexual anhedonia as a diagnosable condition (Is "diagnosable" a word? It is now!) Yes, this was definitely part of my puberty. I actually remember my first and subsequent only orgasms. I must have been twelve or thirteen, and I strangely recall feeling that the sensation was too intense. It was pleasurable, but it was in a direction where I didn't want it to be repeated. I couldn't tell you whether that mental state contributed to my inability to orgasm now, but I think it's noteworthy since my experience climaxing then was seemingly very different from other boys.

Do you have theories for why this is the case for you?

It's probably neurological since, according to the little I've read, that seems to be the consensus. There are very few men who don't experience pleasure from orgasm (I know I characterized my disorder as not experiencing orgasm at all, but I misspoke: my brain doesn't perceive the sensations of orgasm), so it's relatively unknown among urologists and neurologists. I also almost never authentically laugh. I have a sense of humor and joke with others, but I rarely ever feel joy to the extent that it's expressed so involuntarily; it's nothing rapturous.

Have you ever sought medical help? If not, why not?

I’ve spoken about it with my therapist maybe a couple times, but not extensively (I felt I needed to share this with her before deciding whether I should take an SSRI). I’d originally chosen to not consult a urologist and/or neurologist because I felt quite embarrassed, but now I don’t feel a need for consultation because I’m indifferent to whether I ever feel orgasm again. I know that at thirty-three I’m still relatively young, but I struggle to feel motivated anymore. In fact, I think I somewhat would rather not experience orgasm again, because I’m uncomfortable with the idea of so fully losing myself in sexual ecstasy; I like feeling in control. The irony is that I’m most embarrassed by the likely prospect of disappointing a sexual partner, although this shouldn’t be a concern for me since I’m largely involuntarily celibate (I’m not bitter though, nor do I identify with the “incel” community!). But that’s another story.

Well that’s actually something I was going to ask about. Have you ever had a sexual experience with another person? What about masturbation? Do you just experience pleasure and then nothing, or is there no pleasure at all?