Being a Perfect Parent Isn't Edgy

I promise you, society isn't "judging" your lack of iPads and Red 40

Before we begin, consider gifting a CHH subscription to someone this holiday season! Perhaps a parent going absolutely batshit with the mom groups who’d like a dose of reassurance? Just an idea!

The other day, I saw a tweet which reminded me of a long-standing pet peeve of mine. A father (who I won’t name or link, because I don’t want anyone harassed) detailed how fraught it felt to admit he doesn’t let his kids use screens. According to him, screen-using parents (the majority) feel innately attacked whenever they hear about his screen policy, and even if he doesn’t want to tell them about it, they sniff it out somehow. He then went on to say that the same dynamic is curiously present when he’s forced to admit his wife had a homebirth (I guarantee you my husband has no idea how any of his friends’ wives gave birth.)

Of course, this dad was fishing for one particular reply, which he got in spades: these epidural-using, screen-giving parents are threatened by the fact that what you’re doing is superior and they could never do it. So they’re lashing out at you, the perfect parent, for being perfect. And yet, despite being superior in a way that other parents can sniff out without you even saying anything, you are somehow the pariah in this situation because “society” glorifies bad things and you do good things. Good things that only you and other rebellious outlaws do.

If you found that confusing, yeah, me too. Basically, there’s this idea within Parent World (especially Mom World, although it was interesting seeing this coming from a dad) that “society” likes things that are bad. Doing things that are good, especially if those things involve sacrifice, pain and difficulty, are frowned upon by the corn syrup guzzling, twelve-hour-daycare-employing masses.

These two things are not the same! At all!

These parents see themselves as Ignaz Semmelweis, the Austrian doctor who basically invented handwashing, a decision that other doctors saw as so ludicrous that he was committed to a mental asylum. But here’s the thing: most good ideas are recognized as good pretty quickly. Most people who society says are insane, actually are insane. Never mind that your counter-cultural choices like breastfeeding, not using screens or feeding processed foods are mostly mainstream recommendations by the American Association of Pediatrics.

Doing things that you believe everyone secretly knows are good, is not edgy. Edgy, counter-cultural parenting certainly exists! The other day at the library I met a two-year-old with they/them pronouns because their parents practiced what they called “gender-creative parenting.” That is counter-cultural. That mom is allowed to tell everyone how judged she feels by society, because I guaranteed you a lot of people think she’s crazy. But breastfeeding? Refusing an epidural? Get in line, because society is already prepared to give you (and millions of other parents) all the gold stars.

A great example of this purposeful self-othering of purportedly perfect parents is this absolutely insufferable infograph contrasting gentle parenting with “mainstream parenting,” which was posted on my mom group by a user who did the unimaginable: got banned from a Facebook mom group for being too sanctimonious: