This is so real, thank you for sharing. It's so odd and upsetting how sometimes people just... aren't what they seemed? At all? I never really understand it.
Man, I had pretty much this exact same thing happen to me when I was 15. I met a 16 year old boy on World of Warcraft and it was all the same stuff: the flirtation, the lurid questions with his friends (unknowingly) present, the awkward real life meetup at a mall, & the rejection via a third party who told me the boy said I "looked good from the front but not from the side" and had cellulite. (He was no looker himself! Recall we met via World of Warcraft!). I look him up every so often and as of today, 16 years later, he appears to be a furry.
There is something about the entitlement of certain people - yes, boys - that still upsets me to this day. I've lost more solid relationships over so much less, it turns out you CAN treat people like crap and for whatever reason, that's more attractive than treating them like they're a peer. Call me whatever, but I'll never get over it. I bet you Zach and Randy still aren't much better to their partners today.
What a well-told and honest reminiscence! I'm a guy, and wasn't one of the popular guys as a teenager. I'm older and grew up in the 60s and early 70s before most girls felt comfortable asking a guy out. I grew up before electronic texting existed, but I had some similarly awkward first face-to-face meetings after initial phone calls or letters, as well as some pretty good ones. It was a time before any guy I knew would've had the nerve to try to convince a girl to agree to any specific sex act before their second date, especially if they had already decided not to ask her out on a third one. I grew up in Tennessee but went to college with people mostly from New York, New Jersey, or Pennsylvania, and I was often embarrassed and sometimes shocked by the directness with which those fellows talked to girls and surprised that the girls just rolled their eyes and continued the conversation instead of slapping them and walking away. I can't help but wonder in what region you went to high school.
In your case the guy behaved like an adolescent jerk. So did I sometimes, which was disappointing but not astonishing given that I was an actual shallow adolescent. I was socially awkward and experienced dating as kind of the social equivalent of the bump car rides at the county fair, crashing abruptly into various girls for brief periods and then careening away. At the time I had no idea how to politely but gently tell a girl I didn't want to go out with her again, and I think most girls didn't know how to handle the corresponding situation on their end either. I handled it just by not calling and asking for another date. In retrospect I deeply regret that rudeness and insensitivity and wish I had learned at least better manners not to mention some empathy. Hopefully your short-term beau later came to regret his callous youthful behavior too. It sounds like you handled it pretty philosophically, which I suppose is about the best of the possible outcomes.
A poignant story, well told. I think it's important to remember that boys of that age are several years behind their woman peers in mental development. Barely housebroken chimps is what you're dealing with - all hormones and selfish impulses, with mad desire to impress and/or outdo your guy friends. Empathy? Politeness? Respect? Are you gay? I'm in my 70s, and I'd like to think that dynamic has improved, but I'm not betting on it...
I'm sure I did some cringe things as a teenager, but I like to think I was better than this lot. Why? 'Cause my mother would have punched me in the face if she found out I treated a woman that way. No, belay that; she would simply have been VERY DISAPPOINTED in me, and that mattered a lot to me. And it did all of her life. Ladies, if you have boy children, tempt them down from the trees and teach them from the start to show some respect. Be better, chimps!
I really appreciate this story and how well you explain your thoughts and desires as a 14-year-old, but something about Zach's behavior made me confused. Sure, a 14-year-old could be a horny, thoughtless jerk, but would a 5'1" 14-year-old really consider himself a "hot boy"? Then in hit me: if a 14-year-old boy was only 5'1" he probably hadn't gone through puberty yet, which makes an entirely different interpretation of Zach emerge.
A 14-year-old who hadn't gone through puberty would be feeling intense insecurity and social anxiety. His friends would be expressing a lot of interest in girls and probably doing a lot of performative sex talk, while he may well have been secretly playing with his Tonka trucks. Then his friend Ariel gives him your number. He enjoys joking around with you by text but is mortified by the idea of you seeing how childlike he looks, so he makes lame excuses not to send you a photo. Then his friend Randy gets involved in the texting and it turns sexual, either at Randy's suggestion or because Zach is performing for Randy. Randy (and maybe Ariel) pressure Zach to set up a date, so he does.
Zach is not his funny self on the date because he is miserable. He is embarrassed by his immaturity, both physically and socially, and just gets it over with as soon as he can. He is not interested in you because he's not really into girls yet, but is too embarrassed to admit it.
After the date, the texts change because Randy is driving the whole thing. Either they make up the "blowjob at camp" story together or Zach makes it up to impress Randy (of course it happened at camp, a classic cover. Just like the Canadian girlfriend). Randy is really pushing the blowjob thing while Zach dies inside. Zach doesn't want to go on another date, so will only do it if Randy is present. Either that or Randy inserts himself into the situation so he can be on a date, too (it may be his first).
Once on date #2, the boys reveal that they don't actually know how to be on a date and just sit by themselves. Their hypothetical sexuality is gone. It's not that they don't find you attractive, it's just that their interest in girls is like your interest in boys: they know they should want this but they don't really what to do with it. It's compelling to look at girls from afar and play OKCupid quizzes but they'd really rather just hang out with each other. So they never mention the possible blowjob and get out of there as soon as possible. Zach has been so humiliated by the situation that he just wants to go home and pray for his first pubic hair. It's left to Randy to make their excuse. It can't be "We're actually little boys who have no idea what to do with actual girls," so he chooses to say that they are not attracted to you, thoughtless to its impact. Then they go play video games together.
Maybe I'm wrong, but this does explain Zach and Randy's behavior. And it also corresponds more to my experience of 14-year-olds of both sexes: Insecure, self-involved, wanting both to grow up and remain a kid, subject to peer pressure, and without much emotional insight. With adolescents, no one has to be a real bad guy for feelings to get hurt (in a way that you'll remember for the rest of your life!).
I always had better luck with guys from other schools. I think because my school was so tiny that we’d mostly known each other since long before puberty.
This is the first I’ve heard of dry oral! That’s hilarious!
Reading this brought me right back to around 1999-2003: the braces, the daily grooming and shampooing, the carefully-chosen outfits, the awkwardness. The planning for dates over IM. You and Rachel seem like people I would have been friends with.
I had totally forgotten about the fact that my male friends (“friends”) would do the same thing you write about here: all crowd around a computer and mess with girls — I only found out that it was a group project after the fact. Actually, one of my “friends” made a fake screen name posing as me and IMed lewd stuff to classmates of ours. Others left anonymous awful comments on my blog — a true sign of things to come in the next decades!
Being a young woman at the turn of the 21st century was a trip. But I’m glad you had your friend to turn to!
“I would feel around for hooves” is like a perfect line that would come from the mouth of a young Liz Lemon.
hahahahahaha
This is so real, thank you for sharing. It's so odd and upsetting how sometimes people just... aren't what they seemed? At all? I never really understand it.
I’m not crying you’re crying 😭😭😭
Man, I had pretty much this exact same thing happen to me when I was 15. I met a 16 year old boy on World of Warcraft and it was all the same stuff: the flirtation, the lurid questions with his friends (unknowingly) present, the awkward real life meetup at a mall, & the rejection via a third party who told me the boy said I "looked good from the front but not from the side" and had cellulite. (He was no looker himself! Recall we met via World of Warcraft!). I look him up every so often and as of today, 16 years later, he appears to be a furry.
There is something about the entitlement of certain people - yes, boys - that still upsets me to this day. I've lost more solid relationships over so much less, it turns out you CAN treat people like crap and for whatever reason, that's more attractive than treating them like they're a peer. Call me whatever, but I'll never get over it. I bet you Zach and Randy still aren't much better to their partners today.
What a well-told and honest reminiscence! I'm a guy, and wasn't one of the popular guys as a teenager. I'm older and grew up in the 60s and early 70s before most girls felt comfortable asking a guy out. I grew up before electronic texting existed, but I had some similarly awkward first face-to-face meetings after initial phone calls or letters, as well as some pretty good ones. It was a time before any guy I knew would've had the nerve to try to convince a girl to agree to any specific sex act before their second date, especially if they had already decided not to ask her out on a third one. I grew up in Tennessee but went to college with people mostly from New York, New Jersey, or Pennsylvania, and I was often embarrassed and sometimes shocked by the directness with which those fellows talked to girls and surprised that the girls just rolled their eyes and continued the conversation instead of slapping them and walking away. I can't help but wonder in what region you went to high school.
In your case the guy behaved like an adolescent jerk. So did I sometimes, which was disappointing but not astonishing given that I was an actual shallow adolescent. I was socially awkward and experienced dating as kind of the social equivalent of the bump car rides at the county fair, crashing abruptly into various girls for brief periods and then careening away. At the time I had no idea how to politely but gently tell a girl I didn't want to go out with her again, and I think most girls didn't know how to handle the corresponding situation on their end either. I handled it just by not calling and asking for another date. In retrospect I deeply regret that rudeness and insensitivity and wish I had learned at least better manners not to mention some empathy. Hopefully your short-term beau later came to regret his callous youthful behavior too. It sounds like you handled it pretty philosophically, which I suppose is about the best of the possible outcomes.
Man I did some socially embarrassing shit around that age but nothing like this guy. I wonder if he thinks about this.
A poignant story, well told. I think it's important to remember that boys of that age are several years behind their woman peers in mental development. Barely housebroken chimps is what you're dealing with - all hormones and selfish impulses, with mad desire to impress and/or outdo your guy friends. Empathy? Politeness? Respect? Are you gay? I'm in my 70s, and I'd like to think that dynamic has improved, but I'm not betting on it...
I'm sure I did some cringe things as a teenager, but I like to think I was better than this lot. Why? 'Cause my mother would have punched me in the face if she found out I treated a woman that way. No, belay that; she would simply have been VERY DISAPPOINTED in me, and that mattered a lot to me. And it did all of her life. Ladies, if you have boy children, tempt them down from the trees and teach them from the start to show some respect. Be better, chimps!
I really appreciate this story and how well you explain your thoughts and desires as a 14-year-old, but something about Zach's behavior made me confused. Sure, a 14-year-old could be a horny, thoughtless jerk, but would a 5'1" 14-year-old really consider himself a "hot boy"? Then in hit me: if a 14-year-old boy was only 5'1" he probably hadn't gone through puberty yet, which makes an entirely different interpretation of Zach emerge.
A 14-year-old who hadn't gone through puberty would be feeling intense insecurity and social anxiety. His friends would be expressing a lot of interest in girls and probably doing a lot of performative sex talk, while he may well have been secretly playing with his Tonka trucks. Then his friend Ariel gives him your number. He enjoys joking around with you by text but is mortified by the idea of you seeing how childlike he looks, so he makes lame excuses not to send you a photo. Then his friend Randy gets involved in the texting and it turns sexual, either at Randy's suggestion or because Zach is performing for Randy. Randy (and maybe Ariel) pressure Zach to set up a date, so he does.
Zach is not his funny self on the date because he is miserable. He is embarrassed by his immaturity, both physically and socially, and just gets it over with as soon as he can. He is not interested in you because he's not really into girls yet, but is too embarrassed to admit it.
After the date, the texts change because Randy is driving the whole thing. Either they make up the "blowjob at camp" story together or Zach makes it up to impress Randy (of course it happened at camp, a classic cover. Just like the Canadian girlfriend). Randy is really pushing the blowjob thing while Zach dies inside. Zach doesn't want to go on another date, so will only do it if Randy is present. Either that or Randy inserts himself into the situation so he can be on a date, too (it may be his first).
Once on date #2, the boys reveal that they don't actually know how to be on a date and just sit by themselves. Their hypothetical sexuality is gone. It's not that they don't find you attractive, it's just that their interest in girls is like your interest in boys: they know they should want this but they don't really what to do with it. It's compelling to look at girls from afar and play OKCupid quizzes but they'd really rather just hang out with each other. So they never mention the possible blowjob and get out of there as soon as possible. Zach has been so humiliated by the situation that he just wants to go home and pray for his first pubic hair. It's left to Randy to make their excuse. It can't be "We're actually little boys who have no idea what to do with actual girls," so he chooses to say that they are not attracted to you, thoughtless to its impact. Then they go play video games together.
Maybe I'm wrong, but this does explain Zach and Randy's behavior. And it also corresponds more to my experience of 14-year-olds of both sexes: Insecure, self-involved, wanting both to grow up and remain a kid, subject to peer pressure, and without much emotional insight. With adolescents, no one has to be a real bad guy for feelings to get hurt (in a way that you'll remember for the rest of your life!).
Unc status achieved. Spring 2004 I had just unlocked walking.
Graduated in 1984, so no internet.
I always had better luck with guys from other schools. I think because my school was so tiny that we’d mostly known each other since long before puberty.
This is the first I’ve heard of dry oral! That’s hilarious!
Yes dry oral doesn’t sound good for either party. And why can’t you do it on boys?
Reading this brought me right back to around 1999-2003: the braces, the daily grooming and shampooing, the carefully-chosen outfits, the awkwardness. The planning for dates over IM. You and Rachel seem like people I would have been friends with.
I had totally forgotten about the fact that my male friends (“friends”) would do the same thing you write about here: all crowd around a computer and mess with girls — I only found out that it was a group project after the fact. Actually, one of my “friends” made a fake screen name posing as me and IMed lewd stuff to classmates of ours. Others left anonymous awful comments on my blog — a true sign of things to come in the next decades!
Being a young woman at the turn of the 21st century was a trip. But I’m glad you had your friend to turn to!
kids shouldnt have access to the internet